2) Inside Edition

If the world were mostly comprised of clips from shocking YouTube videos, the imagination of alienated exurban middle-aged women, and whatever a "Heidi Montag" is, then Inside Edition would probably count as a "news program".


We may have lost Walter Cronkite in 2009, but we'll never lose endless ways to crucify, burn in effigy, and/or shit upon his memory.

Adjusted for the world as it actually is (the one with causes that have effects, neutrinos, human suffering, religious fundamentalism and the like), Inside Edition should really be legally bound to sell itself for what it really is, which is tough to explain without complicated equations, but breaks down to some sort of assemblage of Deborah Norville's lifeless mouth, a complex array of levers and pulleys, bright colors, and a random arrangement of the list of that day's most-Googled words.