The Dumbening: Colbertites v Whedonites v NASA

Well, it's officially come to this: the only people that care about space travel (which translates to "the only people that care about science", since the only kind of science normal people even care about at all involves space travel) are nerds. But not just any nerds: television-obsessed nerds.

But not just ANY television-obsessed nerds: television-obsessed nerds who are so obsessed with the television shows they obsess over that they will stage not one but TWO mass-telephone-voting campaigns to have NASA name something space-related (in this case a space station node, which, since I'm not ignorant and totally know about science, is something that I absolutely have heard of and know what is) after something pertaining to the television show they are obsessed with.

The name "Colbert" was the overwhelming winner. But NASA is considering going with the runner-up: "Serenity".



And, if you don't get why that second name is relevant, then congratulations: you are possibly not a nerd. I had to Google it of course, and it turns out it may refer to so kind of short-lived cult television show I'd never previously heard of or knew anything about starring Nathan Fillion, Adam Baldwin, and Summer Glau, three people I have no feeling about one way or the other, called "Firefly".* I'll just assume it's basically the same thing as Star Trek, but without the lightsabers.

If you did catch the reference, then you might be a nerd who cares about actual science a little but not as much as pretend science.

And if you fall into either of these groups, then it likely means you're a member of the human race and thus doomed. So, congrats on that, too.

*What I'm trying to say is that I'm totally not a nerd. Did you get that? Ladies?

185) Jordan Catalano

Remember that vapid, sweater-and-plaid-wearing, grunge-worshiping* douchebag who always had a guitar around even though he probably couldn't play it very well and liked to ignore everyone else at school because he wanted everyone to assume he had so much stuff on his mind that words common to normal sixteen-year-olds simply couldn't articulate, but in fact he was actually so quiet because all he heard in his brain was the sound of broken refrigerators set to scratched Sonic Youth records played on tinny lo-fi speakers?

And remember when that one really hot artsy girl that no one except you really thought was hot totally fell in love with him, because she bought in to the illusion that he had so much stuff on his mind that words common to normal sixteen-year-olds simply couldn't articulate, but then he proceeded to treat her like shit and she just totally soaked it up because she was convinced that, y'know, somewhere deep, underneath those earth-tone layers of wool and unkempt hair lived a profound, empathetic, introspective genius?

Now imagine how pissed off you'd be if that guy turned out to be Jared Leto.



*for the kids in the room, you can swap "grunge" with "indie" and get the same effect

184) Daily Entertainment "News" Shows

The Daily Hated does not accept responsibility for any injuries resulting from the crippling, physically illogical, searing insistence of Mary Hart's face

When "Entertainment Tonight" willed itself into existence in the 1980s - presumably a metaphysical anomaly resulting from a Lovecraftian coke-fueled sequin-laden fever dream - at least the premise, if not the glycerin sheen of its suffocatingly smug hosts, actually kind of made sense:

Since there is no E! Network on television, nor any such thing as a kind of hypothetical web of information that functions on a world-wide level, why not spend thirty minutes a night, Monday through Friday, recapping celebrity news, birthdays, recently released movie trailers, and sneak peaks at upcoming episodes of your favorite TV shows? At least, that is, until some kind database of movies can be compiled that would announce the birthdays of all celebrities on a daily basis; or there were some way to watch new video of trailers the moment they are released, as opposed to at 7:25 PM on weekday evenings after sitting through the a ten-minute minidocumentary about Wynona Judd's heroic struggle with her weight; or, if you deign to imagine, thousands, literally thousands, upon thousands of some kind of instantly-accesible and real-time updatable "log" (let's call them instalogs) devoted entirely to celebrity news and gossip; because once those things happen in some kind of fantastical future time, when, even then, almost everybody in the country/on the planet has access to and uses this magical, purely imaginary portal of information, then surely the need for "ET" will be voided, and at the very least will certainly not necessitate its half-dozen identical twins, hosted by rotating casts of non-celebrities. Surely.

Hint, hint.

183) Any And All Utterances Of "Technologies"

tech⋅nol⋅o⋅gy - [tek-nol-uh-jee] -noun- the branch of knowledge that deals with the creation and use of technical means and their interrelation with life, society, and the environment, drawing upon such subjects as industrial arts, engineering, applied science, and pure science.


Rollerskating robots: a good an awesome example of what can be done thanks to current technology, but not an example of a technology

You can't have more than one of them.

Because you can't technically have even one them. Are you listening, that annoyingly smug and disengenuous ExxonMobil commerical?

182) Evil Wizards

Magic is pretty much the coolest thing in the world, and everybody knows the American dream is to own a staff, a cool cape, and be able to cast rainbows of fire, shoot lightning, and turn socks into unicorns.

But wherever you find something that's so totally unbelievably awesome, there's always some total douche giving it a bad name by cheating, betraying his order, or kidnapping Zelda, spoiling the fun for the rest of us.

Worse, the mere presence of evil wizards somehow apparently negates the good wizard's almighty powers and competence, necessitating the day instead be saved by simple, militarily untrained, magicless agrarian hobbits/whatever Link is.

181) Radiohead Fans

Let's make this abundantly clear: We really like Radiohead.

Hell, we maybe even love Radiohead. When they get it right, as they did on a full three songs on In Rainbows, Thom Yorke's nonsensical lyrics, delivered via the enchanting should-be-annoying-but-isn't Falsetto Express, produce something akin to the sonic equivalent of chocolate-covered Jennifer Connelly*.

But there is a difference between loving Radiohead because Radiohead is pretty great and being a Radiohead fan, because according to Radiohead fans, Radiohead is not only the best rock band on Earth (this despite not having performed actual rock music since the closing chords of 1997's "Electioneering" and despite Thom Yorke's vocal and publically-admitted disdain for rock music) but the best band on Earth, ever.

Just take one look at the people in the upper right of this page (who turned up in a simple Google search for "Radiohead fans") and ask yourself, "Self, are these the sorts of people I would like to spend more than, say, no seconds with?"

The best way to identify such a person is to listen for the word "brilliant", often spoken in relation to the following topics:

• Hail to the Thief (NOTE: this may be followed with a justification such as the Radiohead fan claiming it is "maybe not the best Radiohead record" but it is nonetheless "better than, dude, like 99.99 percent of the shit out there and still fucking brilliant". For the uneducated, Hail to the Thief is generally and rightly considered by normal people to be in the "Okay" to "Pretty good" range)
• Giving away an album for free
• Anything associated with band member Johnny Greenwood (sometimes this will be be closely followed or preceded by the terms "Academy Award" and "robbed")
  
• That show from a couple years back, and likely one coming up shortly, wherein Radiohead will likely unveil new tracks from its upcoming brilliant album
• Vinyl, Radiohead on
  
• This kind of shit
  

*For those with the opposing chocolate-covered preference, change this to Johnny Depp

180) Pub Crawls

It's almost as though some genius urban planner had been presented with the following problem:

Sidewalk congestion in overpopulated metropolis extreme but not extreme enough. Flow of pedestrian traffic often borders on efficient-to-bearable. Drinking illegal outside in nation in which city is found - drunken masses thus tend to "cluster" in indoor regions, often called "bars", depriving city of opportunity to flood own streets with much-needed needless human congestion. Ambient noise limited to incessant construction work, car horns, delusional screaming lunatics, children, low-flying airplanes, and comically loud car stereos blasting music designed specifically for nightclub dancing.

City claims rich population of douchebags, but population remains sparse. How to bring population together in better-managed, obnoxious shit-faced clusters?

Hate Mail!

It's been a while since we reached into the ol' mailbag, so we thought we might address some of the more interesting items that have turned up in our mailbox:




Dear The Daily Hated,
I was wondering what happened to post #169. It does not seem to exist. Your site lists #168, followed by #170. WTF?
- D. Lowrie, via e-mail

Dear D. Lowrie,
Post #169 does, in fact, exist. Unfortunately, it was never published. The mysterious "missing post", as it's become known on internet conspiracy sites, was actually a complex analysis of James Joyce's use of mythological allegory in "Ulysses" and how it contrasts with his simultaneous embrace of modernism in his characterizations and the classical verbosity of the novel's vocabulary. Our publishers, however, decided not to go ahead with the post at the last minute, judging our audience to be capable of digesting only that which appeals to the basest of senses. Which is to say, in other words, you are stupid, and it was brilliant.
-The Editors

Dear TDH,
I couldn't help but notice that despite the word "daily" appearing in the name of your site, you only published 7 posts in the month of February. Assuming you don't publish on the weekends, doesn't that still leave roughly a dozen or so days unaccounted for?
Thanks
-Jeff

Dear Jeff,
Oh my god, a Pterydactyl!!!! LOOK!!!!!! RIGHT OVER THERE!!!!!! SERIOUSLY, QUICK, IT'S FLYING AWAY!!!!!!
- The Editors

DEAR FRIEND,
GREETING IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST. I AM MRS.SOLANGE AWADDI.,A WIDOW TO LATE MIKALLE AWADDI. I AM 50 YEARS OLD,I AM A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST,FROM ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WON'T LIVE MORE THAN SIX MONTHS,ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS,THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE. MY LATE HUSBAND WAS KILLED DURING THE COTE'D IVORE CIVIL WAR, AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD'NT PRODUCE ANY CHILD.

MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH.THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS;SO I NOW DECIDED TO DEVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHRIST CHURCHS AROUND THE GLOBE. I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE INTERNET AND I PRAYED OVER IT.I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $5,000.000.00 U.S DOLLARS,TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED.

PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS LYING IN AN INTERNATIONAL BANK.I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY,WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL BE USED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE;BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE HOLY SPRITE BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY,
I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.

YOURS IN CHRIST.
MRS.SOLANGE AWADDI.

Dear Mrs. Awaddi,
A few things to note: firstly, it is generally considered impolite to type all in caps. Secondly, while we certainly consider ourselves to be an organization high in stature and noble in spirit (and, yeah, let's just say it: we save lives), we are not officially recognized as a church. Thirdly, we ask that all financial inquiries be sent to the attention of our sales and marketing department.

Yours in us,
- The Editors

do you guys think your funny? because i think you're stupid and unoriginal. you guys suck. get a job
-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Do we think our funny?
- The Editors

Dear the daily hated,
Fuck you
-Joaquin Phoenix

Dear Joaquin,
Meh
-The Editors

FROM THE COMMENTS BOARD:

Re: #163 - Athlete-Hosted "SNL" Episodes
How do you classify when Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was on SNL?
-Isaac Rubenstein

Dear Isaac,
A timely question given Dwayne "Not The Rock" Johnson's recent appearance on SNL, where the wrestler-turned-actor, who wants you to refer to him as Dwayne Johnson, not "The Rock", was featured in a sketch that heavily referenced his "The Rock" moniker. Dwayne "" Johnson is awesome, and that he happens to be a former sorta-athlete is irrelevant, since, unlike Michael Phelps and Nancy Kerrigan, he doesn't have to read from cue cards.
-The Editors

RE: The Top Ten Things We Hated About 2008 #10 - Katy Perry
THANK YOU!!! I honestly am left baffled as to what the media obsession is with her. She has no talent, seem sdesperate for attention and looks like she'll be pretty
dumpy in 5-10 years' time
-batgirl13uk

Dear batgirl13uk
Right. That was out point. Was that somehow unclear? If it was, let us reiterate: Katy Perry sucks. A lot.
-The Editors


That'll do it for now. Keep those fan letters coming, and we'll keep acknowledging a few of them every few months!

179) Marijuana-Themed T-Shirts

The perfect gift for the 18-year-old in your life who wants everyone around him to know that he appreciates pot, broadly obvious humor, and feels as though he will have too few tangible objects for him to look back on in regret once he reaches adulthood.

178) A*Rod

It's usually TDH's M.O. to let the obvious speak for itself.

Which is to say, why bother making fun of purple-lipped narcissitic egomaniac headcases who look like a mashup of every male figure ever to appear in Hot Chicks with Douchebags, when all the Madonna affairs, stripper-dating, contract-opting-out stunts, and playoff chokes speak for themselves?

Well, there comes a time when, despite the media oversaturation and self-evident loathsomeness, a person becomes so wrenchingly insufferable that it would be an irresponsible oversight to not call them out.

So, congratulations A*Rod: your "I was a stupid, innocent, naive, barely-sentient kid just beginning to develop motor skills and cognitive reasoning abilities of 27" non-apology for thoroughly ruining everything, followed quickly by your conveniently-timed hip injury which (gee, whiz!) will keep you out of the game and thus away from the well-deserved taunts and wrath of fans for two whole months have finally earned you the coveted spot.

Consider it a consolation prize for Cooperstown, except replace "consolation prize for Cooperstown" with "kick in your tiny, steroid-shrunk balls".

177) Dollar Stores

Useful only if you've ever inexplicably wondered what a room filled with a shockingly vast array of items no one could possibly have any reasonable use for - like misspelled greeting cards for lesser-known holidays, inkless pens, and non-stick tape - might look like.


For all your light-up dice purchasing needs! (Hyphen sold separately)

176) Emo Haircuts

You see this guy?



His name is Pete Wentz.

You notice how when you looked at that guy, you thought to yourself, "Wow, self, that guy looks like a total douche...I really hope I never end up like that guy..."?

Here is a good road map by which to live - When Pete Wentz does something, it will almost always be in you best interest to assume that you should not ever do that thing. For example:

• Marrying Jessica or Ashlee Simson
• Being in a terrible band
• Naming your own actual, human infant Bronx Mowgli Wentz
• This
• Having an emo haircut

Of these, perhaps the easiest to not do (considering, hey, we all occasionally get drunk and randomly, legally name infants...that's called being human*) is the emo haircut one. Because, in fairness, if random strangers see you with an emo haircut, it's only reasonable to assume that they will then think to themselves, "Wow, that guy's haircut really pisses me off...I wonder what other effed up shit that guy has done..." And that's when what was meant to be a one-time, magical, private evening between you and your cellphone camera comes back to haunt you.

Are you paying attention, the Jonas Brother who is probably gay and Zac Efron, who certainly is?





*it's also called being awesome! swish!

175) Dorito Stains

Look, we all love the occasional drunken indulgence of an entire bag of Doritos (the real kind, not the Spicy Lime X-treme Pepperjack Orange Asparagus Infusion flavor or whatever), but aren't the 873 grams of saturated fat and MSG hangover enough punishment?

Who decided that we should also be subjected to orange finger stains that no amount of industrial strength soap or constant jeans-scraping (and sure, it'll make your jeans plenty orange, but it will have absolutely no impact upon the orangeness of your fingers) can remove?


Plus, it makes children cry. Children. And the last thing we need in the world is more goddamn crying children.

Assholes. That's who. Stupid, mean, FritoLay-employed assholes.**


**Betcha thought that was a rhetorical question, huh? Nope. Assholes

174) Losing

We are all taught, in our formative years, that it's not whether you win or lose but how you play the game that counts.

Which is sort of true, since what really counts is that you play the game in such a way that results in you having won the game without resorting to cheating.

Really, though, we would be investing our time and energy much more effectively and saving our youth population a great deal of heartache by teaching them to not bother playing games that they aren't really, really good at. And for extremely non-athletic youngsters who insist upon playing after-school soccer, we would do them a favor to dispose of the long-in-favor adage and instead simply neglect to explain to them the rules.

Still, we can at least do the little things, like making clear to America's children that it's probably in their best interest to not be Cubs fans, or Mets fans in September.