214) The Opposing Team

Did you know that the opposing team only landed the totally overrated star player because of bullshit union rules that favor teams in markets that are (totally arbitrarily, btw) deemed "big market"? Did you also know that my hometown's team never even wanted to land that player in the first place, because, while on paper his season-average 33 home runs, 100 RBI and .390 OBP appear to make him a valuable asset, his lack of defensive range actually make him such a liability that, over the course of a season, he can actually be expected to allow more runs than he scores? It's true, and you're a total idiot.


This guy's never going to win a championship ring while wearing the opposing team's uniform. Fuckin' face it. Never going to happen. Not even for $23 million a year.

Your hometown team sucks. Sure, maybe if you look at the games-won-to-games-lost statistics, it would appear that your hometown team is technically superior to that of my own, but let me ask you this: stacked up against each other, head to head, do you really think my hometown team's three top starters couldn't easily win a three game series against the opposing team's three top starters? Please! That's not even debatable! Not to mention the fact that the opposing team's number two guy is totally streaky and relies way to much on his off-speed stuff. Any good, patient-hitting team would OWN that guy. The only reason he has 18 wins this season is that all of those wins have come from totally bullshit teams, like the Orioles. I'm serious. I could prove that to you right now. That guy has faced all the worst teams this season. Those numbers are deceptive!

And don't even get me started on the opposing team's park. That place is total bullshit. My mom could hit for the cycle in that place, and off the opposing team's mockery of a starting rotation, that wouldn't even be that difficult anyway. Face it, the only reason the opposing team is even winning against my area's vastly superior home team boils down to inflated salaries and a favorable schedule. Not to mention the clear bias the umpires have always had against my area's team. How do you throw a guy out for arguing balls and strikes from center field??? Ridiculous.