Slightly less than meets the eye
5) Transformers 2: Rise of the Machines or Whatever
It's really hard to articulate how much we can wait for this movie. Consider the following: all the original Transformers movie had to do was spend as much time as possible on giant robots and mindless action, include the real voice of Starscream, and, like the series, spend as little time as possible on human characters. It failed on all these accounts, and instead tried to include cool sci-fi "plot" that made no sense at all (So, Megatron landed on Earth thousands of years ago because his master plan was to harness Earth's technology and convert it to Decepticons? Uhhhhh...Okay. "Wheelbarrowatron, Stickbot...Attack!") And when you throw in what happened the last time Michael Bay made a sequel to a terrible Michael Bay movie, the result was Bad Boys 2. Yep.
All your favorites return, including Mammothy, Slothguy, and, um...Panthro
4) Whatever Installment of Ice Age This One Is
What is this, like, the 9th Ice Age movie? Whatever, it feels like it. How come these aren't going straight to video, like The Land Before Time, 2-14? Maybe this will turn out to be this year's Kung-Fu Panda (read: a quality animated feature that does not include the involvement of John Lasseter), but we think it's far more likely it'll be this year's Ice Age.
Yawn
3) Public Enemies
Michael Mann, Christian Bale, and Johnny Depp are just dreadfully overrated, and putting them all together in one movie just guarantees it will drown in its own pretentiousness.
HAHA! Just kidding. They all totally own. This is going to be like the best movie ever.
Is Katherine Heigl going to be in something this summer? 'Cause if so, replace this entry with that.
Pretty much a safe bet to say it's this year's "Alvin and the Chipmunks"
2) G-Force
Guinea Pigs save the world. The cast is so awesome, it goes so far as to include Loudon Wainwright III. And no movie with a great cast has ever been terrible, right? And this is about talking Guinea Pigs. Who save the world. Favreau! Buscemi! Rockwell! Cage! Cruz! Bill Effin' Nighy! In a movie about Guinea Pigs. Talking ones. Who save the world. World-saving Guinea Pigs.
Guinea Pigs.
Bumper cars! How quirky!
1) Management
Taking the formulaic romcom to the next logical, suffocating level, Management incorporates several formulae to yield a new, never-before-seen, even more formulaic formula! Jennifer Aniston plays the sweet, affable, slightly clueless Jennifer Aniston-type in the typical Jennifer Aniston romcom role typically given to Jennifer Aniston (or sometimes Kate Hudson). Jennifer Aniston's Jennifer Aniston Character is down on love, in that Jennifer Aniston sort of way, until one day she meets the sort of off-beat, forcibly quirky character that Steve Zahn tends to play in forcibly quirky indy movies (Steve Zahn). In this forcibly quirky indy romcom, Steve Zahn's Steve-Zahnish character charms Jennifer Aniston's Jennifer Anistonish character with his forcibly quirky charm. Will they find love, or be prosecuted for manslaughter for the deaths of the hundreds and hundreds of innocent people who choked on their flooding out pour of dullness and quirk?
Woody Harrelson appears thanks to whatever court order forced him to appear in a supporting role in three such movies per year (probably something to do with pot).
On the other hand, we're totally looking forward to:
Whatever scene in Terminator: Salvation is the one during which Christian Bale totally went ballistic
According to Bale, it's the "emotional center" of the story, which means it'll be pretty easy to pick out: it'll be the one scene where robots aren't blowing shit up and Christian Bale isn't shooting the everliving, motherfrakking hell out of them. And the best thing is that you can just replace whatever stupid, dopey love-dialogue is coming out of Bryce Dallas Howard's mouth by replaying Bale's "Oh, GOOD FOR YOU!" rant in your head. It'll make the scene funny and watchable, and won't detract from the nonstop yelling and explosions you just paid $12 to see.
Pixar's return to Pixarishness with Up
Nothing against Wall-E. Wall-E is a perfectly great movie. It's just not necessarily great in the way that we love Pixar movies to be great. Which is to say, we don't really need Pixar and Peter Gabriel to lecture us on the fact that obesity is problematic, and that man's impact on the planet has been, in some cases, not 100% positive. So no more of that, please, Pixar. Let's get back to telling great stories about crazy things: talking cars, BFF toys that come to life, rats that cook French food, ants that rid the world of Kevin Spacey, that sort of thing. What's that? A crotchety old man ties balloons to his house and flies away and a fat-kid Cub Scout is his unwitting stowaway? Hilarity ensues? And the old man is Ed Asner?! Bliss.
Bruno
Sacha Baron Cohen shows the world how stupid gullible Americans are. Again. And, better yet, Borat references will finally, FINALLY taper off.
The Half-Blood Prince
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the "Harry Potter" series or have not read the books but only seen the movies, this is the installment where Ron dies. Can't wait to see how that plays out on the big screen!
Public Enemies
Mann! Bale! Depp! Mobsters! OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best. Movie. Ever.
3 comments:
WALL-E is not only better than all other Pixar movies, it's widely regarded of one of the best animated films of all time. Notice how it's higher than any other animated film on the Top 250 on IMDb? Notice how it won several Best Picture awards unlike many other animated films that never win anything but the Best Animated Feature Oscar?
If you think WALL-E was preaching to you it's time to grow up and quit politicizing everything. Even Andrew Stanton made it clear that his movie is about two robots in love, and the trashed planet is just the background. Join the rest of the world and quit "preaching" about preachiness, just because something has something to say doesn't make it preachy.
The word "preachy" occurs exactly zero times in our commentary on Wall-E. Also, we called it a great movie.
So...
Thanks for that!
i love that you used "motherfrakking"
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