130) Halloween

Weren't children perfectly annoying enough before we created a holiday that gives them permission to run rampant in our streets playing dress-up while on sugar highs?

Yes.


Eughh...SLOW DOWN! GET BACK IN THE WOMB!!!

By the way, the one on the right isn't even the real Batman. Do you give candy to people who come to your house "dressed as" the cable guy?

No.

You have them arrested.

129) Andy Warhol

Sure, the guy gave us The Velvet Underground.

He also gave us decades of insufferable vapid upper-middle class urbanites who think art they don't understand must be art that's good, never hitting on the fact that the reasons they don't understand it are a) because it's not art, it's just pictures of cans of Campbell's soup they're spending $180,000 on, rather than just cutting one out of the newspaper fliers on Sunday and b) because they never did the drugs necessary to convince themselves otherwise.

God, is that all you got? "Hey, look at me! I must be a real artist because my hair's all crazy! Take me seriously!"** Really? You're giving us that. What a fucking cop out. Whatever. Van Gogh cut his ear off. Now THAT is dedication.

**also known as the "David Lynch Approach To Being Taken Seriously As A Filmmaker"

128) Weathermen

Or, sorry..."meteorologists"!!!

So tell me, weatherm...I mean, "meteorologist": any meteors in the forecast today?

Why are these people employed? Are they unaware of MyYahoo pages? Why would I want Weather-on-the-Ones when I can have have Weather-on-the-Whenever-the-Hell-I-Want? Is there some advantage to an overpaid douchebag making things up over actual up-to-the-minute-douche-free posts from the National Weather Service?



And for all our not-internet-using viewers, we turn to Chip McDouchey with your needlessly-smug weekend doppler forecast. Chip?

127) Cold Rainy Days

Post not valid in cases of:

• Accessible steamy frothy beverages in cold bare hands, scarves, cozy hats and hoodies
• Homes with blankets and couches situated by radiators and dry jeans to change into

Post permanently valid in cases of:

• Homelessness**

**Post to be revisited by middle, upper-middle and upper classes in 3-6 months

126) "Napoleon Dynamite"

It's not necessarily the movie that we hate. It's the whole culture of "Napoleon Dynamite" that has arisen since "Napoleon Dynamite" came out.

Like, say, for instance, the people who think it is still okay now (holdovers from the massive wave of people who mistakenly thought it was okay four years) to wear "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts. That's the hipster equivilent of people who still say "WASSSSSSSSSUUUUUUHHHH?????", even ironically. When "The Office" makes fun of something people do, that should serve as dire indicator that people need to stop doing that thing and let "The Office" make it funny.

Or that wholesale endorsements of hipster culture need not be encouraged.

Or, say, the fact that every movie that has come out since has been subject to criticism and praise based on a fluid scale of its level of "Napoleon Dynamite".

• "The Darjeeling Express" is this year's "Napoleon Dynamite" for people who love quirky tension-stemming-from-unresolved-sibling-issues dramas!
• "Letters from Iwo Jima" is the "Napoleon Dynamite" of American-made Japanese-language World War II epic tragidramas!
• "The Science of Sleep" will do for hipsters who love Charlotte Gainsbourg, Gael Garcia Bernal, and popular French music video director and groundbreaking LEGO-capture-animation pioneer Michel Gondry what "Napoleon Dynamite" did for "Napoleon Dynamite".

And, also, the movie isn't really very good.

On a happier note, this is the best music video of all time.

125) Technical Difficulties

We apologize, but The Daily Hated is experiencing difficulty with its national broadcasting feed. In the meantime, please enjoy this hilarious picture of Steve Harvey.

124) "Rent"

From the "Rent" Playbill*:

It's the moving story of struggling youth scraping by in their Lower East Side apartments, immediately dated due to the glaringly obvious fact that it takes place during a time when people who made less than $100,000/yr or had trust funds could afford to live in the Lower East Side

RENT!


Haha...YAY! This is TOTALLY what living in New York is like. :D


It's the hip, edgy theatrical masterpiece for people who still use the word "hip", think "edgy" translates to "acknowledging that people have sex" and falsely assume that the word "masterpiece" should and can ever be associated with musical theatre.

RENT!

Filled with the same faux-introspective nonsensical lyrics that pollute modern pop radio and answer those non-burning questions all of us don't ask ourselves in at least no points in our lifetimes, though traditionally the answer is "365 days" (Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes / Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear /Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes / How do you measure, measure a year? / In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights / In cups of coffee / In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife / In five hundred twenty-five thousand / Six hundred minutes / How do you measure /A year in the life? / How about love? / How about love? / How about love? / Measure in love) and beloved by the very same shallow, cold-hearted out-of-touch urban aristocratic people who hypothetically indirectly caused the socioeconomic disparities of which its protagonists are the unfortunate victims, it's the perfect rock 'n roll musical for people who hate rock 'n roll! And music.

RENT!

Fuck "Rent".


*actually, we just made it up

[Disclaimer: The Daily Hated would like to emphasize that it still thinks Anthony Rapp is pretty awesome. Look, the guy was in "Adventures in Babysitting"]

123) Aerosmith's Illogical And Unfortunate Career Trejectory

Usually, when I band hits upon a song that belongs in the upper tier of the best of the best rock songs ever recorded, that band has been around for at least long enough to hone its craft and pay its dues. Not a huge amount of time, just a couple albums. Led Zeppelin didn't have "Immigrant Song" til their third record and "Black Dog" til their fourth. Two years after The Rolling Stones started putting out records, "Satisfaction" finally hit. And "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was on Nirvana's second record, which came out two years after their first.

But more importantly, these songs weren't the ends of these bands - merely shining moments of greatness in the careers of these bands and others that would leave countless other indelible marks on the lexicon of rock.


MIT scientists have recently confirmed that this photograph contains the maximum ratio of delusional self-importance to creatively bankrupt hackery possible within a single frame

And then there's Aerosmith, who, on their first album, released a song called "Dream On" - a song good enough to stand with Zeppelin at their best. Every succeeding Aerosmith song, however...

Well, let's see. There was the pretty-goodness of "Sweet Emotion", "Walk This Way", and "Toys In The Attic"; the catch-but-mostly-crappiness of "Love In An Elevator" and "Dude Looks Like A Lady"'; the indistinguishable-from-one-another-and-not-very-good-anywayness of "Crazy", "Amazing", and "Cryin'", and then, finally, on one sad summer afternoon on the late 1990s, the world was subjected to the horrifying sound of a the band that wrote "Dream On" singing an insufferable, bland Diane Warren-penned power ballad from the equally insufferable and bland Michael Bay explosions-and-illogic-fest "Armageddon"; a ballad that would go on to define a Aerosmith for an entire generation that never would been exposed to Aerosmith in the first place had Steven Tyler simply done his duty as a rock star to avoid such a tragic and nauseating freefall and died in the mid 1980s the way he was supposed to.

122) Florida Baseball Teams

When you lump together overpriced, overcrowded amusement parks, out-of-touch retirees who consider senility an American right, more land devoted to golf courses than square footage in Delaware, humidity, alligators, Miami, election theft, and douche bags on spring break, it's actually pretty easy to forget that Florida is also home to a couple of bullshit expansion baseball teams that nobody cares about, least of all Floridians.



Bullshit. Whatever. Who cares? Go Phillies.

121) Fake Self-Deprecation

You can try, Sarah Palin, but giant pregnant Amy Poehler will still totally school you through rap while you stand there trying to pretend you are not a moron.

120) American Apparel

Oh, yes, your soft white shirts are a nice addition to any wardrobe, and those semi-naked girls in your billboards make it a little more interesting to walk around outside. But then you remember that in order to get in the ads, those cute girls had to engage in sex acts with Dov Charney, the slimiest motherfucker in the world, who despite multiple lawsuits and a boatload of negative press, still gets to parade around acting like some kind of saint because he pays people minimum wage to make his overpriced clothes.




$42 for yoga pants? Bitch, please.

119) Whatever The Opposite Of Dennis Hopper Is

We don't hate Republicans. We even like some of 'em. We do hate certain Republicans, but we hate them because they are assholes, not because they are Republicans. We hate some Democrats, Libertarians, Independents and Green Party people* too; in all cases because of the individual-in-question's assholeness, not party affiliation.

We were willing for a long while to overlook Dennis Hopper's Bush-love Republicanism (we were more concerned with his involvement with "Super Mario Brothers" and "Waterworld"), but then he participated in this bullshit piece of crap movie which, as of press time, has earned almost 6 million dollars at the box office in two weeks and has garnered mildly positive word from a full 13% of critics!!! We don't like petty, unfunny, offensive bullshit that questions our patriotism. We like it even less when Dennis Hopper helps.

Which is why, when we found out about this, we decided Dennis Hopper's brief our List should come to an end.

Which means we can once again walk around saying "Oh, in two hundred years we've come from 'I regret I have but one life to give to my country' to 'fuck you!'?" and "'Cause I'm taller than you, Jack!" and "Fuck you, you fuckin' fuck!" without feeling a pang of guilt and disgust.



Awww...how could we stay mad at you??



*okay, pretty much all Green Party people

118) That Wisconsin Counts As A State

A) We don't even know where it is, just that it's somewhere around Chicago and Minnesota and Detroit
B) You don't need a whole state's worth of room just to make cheddar
C) and crappy beer

117) Sitcom Genetics

Casting directors are paid billions of dollars* to cast movies and TV shows, and sure, we understand with the sitcoms you're going for the funny and talented thing.**

But if people are supposed to be genetically related, how do you explain the following family portraits?:







Okay, look: aside from looking nothing like each other, Mark, Randy, and Brad Taylor didn't look anything like their parents, either. And even when Jonathan Taylor Thomas allegedly went through puberty, he was still a solid three feet shorter than Tim Allen. JTT doesn't even look related to humans, much less typical midwestern families.

And since DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle Tanner all look nothing like Danny, are we to assume that, despite also looking nothing like each other, they all look like their dead mom, who we only ever see once for like five seconds in a "home video"??

And what the hell is up with "Family Matters"? Why is Eddie Winslow so tall? How come Laura looks adopted?? Wasn't there another sister??? What happened to her? Did she die? Did she will herself out of existence? Does sitcom genetics allow for this, like when the mom on "Fresh Prince" suddenly changed her entire DNA makeup?

Bullshit.

At least Kirk Cameron sort of looked like Alan Thicke, albeit with a voice that was like three octaves higher.


*probably
**which means "House of Payne", "Two And A Half Men", and "According to Jim" are automatically out of excuses.

116) Christopher Columbus*

If someone you know bought you an iPhone and an XBox 360 and gave you, like, ten thousand bucks for your birthday, it'd probably be okay if you were like, "Holy shit, dude! This is totally awesome!"  One wouldn't blame you for wanting to give him his own national holiday.

If that same person then went on to casually explain that, while acquiring your rather generous birthday gift, he enslaved, slaughtered, gave tuberculosis to, and raped all the employees at Best Buy and Washington Mutual, just because he found them frightening and/or was bored, it would seem a little bit effed up if you still thought of him as holiday-worthy, even if no one would blame you for keeping the iPhone and XBox 360, because, hey...not your fault.

*not the "film" "director"

Notice To Our Readers

Due to budget cuts, a dwindling economy, stock market crashes, global warming, and our ties to former Weather Underground founder William Ayers, The Daily Hated was forced to make a choice: Move to a five-days-per-week format, or charge $4 for the weekend edition.

We decided to save you money, and as such The Daily Hated will only appear Monday through Friday. Plus, something about how quality over quantity or something.
You're welcome.

Love fo' the haterz,
-Lilit and John

To make you feel better, here is a picture of a child crying

115) Pirate Kitsch

I don't recall the day this memo was sent out:

ATTN - Hipsters

RE Not annoying enough

Hipsters are woefully underannoying. Please remedy this somehow.

-MGMT

And so clearly the solution to this non-problem turned out to be pirate kitsch, wherein hipsters talk about pirates, make less-than-funny pirate jokes that are funny to hipsters because they are ironically unfunny (see below), occasionally dress like pirates, and throw pirate-themed parties, but somehow overlook less appealing aspects of piratehood, such as rape, torture, and tuberculosis.

It's "R". The movie is rated "R". There. We gave the joke away.

114) The Word "Moist"

The definition of "onomatopoeia" is, apparently, this:

-the formation of a word, as cuckoo or boom, by imitation of a sound made by or associated with its referent.

We can thus infer that "moist" must be the sound of us clenching our teeth, recoiling in abject disgusting, throwing up in our mouths, and punching nearby babies.

Moist

113) Punditry

When 24-hour "news" channels fall short of their desired daily quota of "news" by roughly 21 and a half hours, they often go to go-to non-news topics, such as Paris Hilton and OJ Simpson, that in no way affect 99.999% of the non-Paris Hilton and non-OJ Simpson viewing public**.

Still, this leaves roughly 20 and a half hours to fill, and so the "news" channel has only two options:

-Cover international news, recognizing that, in an age of a globalized marketplace and a saturation of high speed communications technology essentially breaking down no-longer-existing abstract borders between individuals and communities living thousands of miles apart, the events taking place overseas are just as relevant to the lives of Americans as domestic events are.

-Invest millions of dollars in 12x12 foot computerized charts/grant Wolf Blitzer an hour to explain the significance of those charts/assemble a roundtable discussion, moderated by Wolf Blitzer, on the implications of the findings of the charts/allow Glenn Beck an hour to discredit the roundtable's chart-based findings due to the liberal bias of the roundtable/devote entire hour of Lou Dobbs' show to ways in which chart findings vindicate previously-stated positions of Lou Dobbs and ways, by contrast, in which chart findings distort Lou Dobbs' words/invite chart-findings expert to be guest on Larry King; an hour later, chart-findings expert concludes findings of chart are "inconclusive"/call it a day, admitting that, despite best efforts of chart, jury still out on whether or not Barack Obama is a Muslim. Repeat.

Guess which option they go with.



**While, for instance, it may be of some value for OJ Simpson to know that OJ Simpson is going to prison, your worthless investments and inability to pay your bills don't really give a shit

112) The End of "Wheel of Fortune"

After like eight rounds of mind-numbingly easy stuff like "The United States of America," the last mystery words on Wheel of Fortune are always fucking impossible. It's usually something with five or six letters. So Vanna stands there in her damn cocktail dress shaking her head at you because none of the letters you guessed are on the wall, and she gets paid to touch a big light-up screen while the seconds tick out on you and everybody in the audience "awwwws" when she finally reveals the word you didn't get as GLUNK or something and all the assholes at home are like "EVERYBODY KNEW IT WAS 'GLUNK'! THAT WAS SO OBVIOUS!"

It was not obvious. It was hard on purpose. And then that sadist Pat Sajak always opens up that envelope so you know exactly which super awesome prize you didn't win. And it is always, always the $25,000.

[One of us would also like to note that Wheel of Fortune makes him violently angry and palpably depressed when he accidentally flips through it on TV, because it's a constant reminder that many of the greatest mistakes of the 80s have left permanent, still-bleeding open knife wounds in the flesh of human progress]

111) Syndicated "Seinfeld" Reruns

Oh, who'd have thought it would have been physically possible to fit so much quirkiness in the bredth of just 400 pixels?

Ignoring the fact that there appears to be some sort of annoying law in the books dictating that "Seinfeld" air at least once a day, five days a week, sometime between 6 and 8 PM, watching reruns of "Seinfeld" is sort of like watching an old lady repeatedly fall on the sidewalk: Sure, it wasn't technically funny the first time, but you couldn't help laughing anyway.

Every succesive time, however, your annoying sense of empathy sinks in and you realize you're witnessing something painful and unfunny, characterized by its unusually high saturation of shrieking and predictability.


As a side note, this is pretty amazing.

110) Empty Gestures

109) Nicholas Sparks Novels

Generally, all things advertised on subway ads should be avoided (Budweiser, The Chubb Institute, certain dermatologists, etc.) but no one should ever read a book advertised on the subway.

If this is not a self-evidently bad idea, then consider the "work" of Nicholas Sparks. If you've never read a Nicholas Sparks "novel", allow me to give away the plot:

In a pretty place, two lonely, brooding people are in love with each other. However, there is an unlikely twist-of-fate type obstacle that must be overcome somehow over the course of gradually, boringly unfolding details that account for roughly 298 of the "novel's" roughly 300 pages.


Oh, right: We forgot the part where there's kissing in the rain and/or on the beach

At some point, the reader is expected to cry. Kevin Costner/Ryan Gosling/Richard Gere stars in the movie adaptation. His career continues to unravel/is launched/is largely unaffected. You just ended up paying 20 bucks for what amounts to a long-winded Hallmark card. The end.


[Alternate post text: Nicholas Sparks is to "novels" as Thomas Kincade is to "art"]

108) Che Guevara T-Shirts

Because nothing says "I have a vague understanding of the inherent corrosive aspects of capitalism, mostly due to what I've heard about what others have told me about things Zach de la Rocha has said, but lack neither the ambition nor intellect to do or learn anything about it and instead opt to spend $19.99 at Hot Topic at my local shopping mall to purchase and wear a t-shirt with the Argentine Marxist's imagine emblazoned upon it to show all my white upper-middle class peers what I think about capitalist greed, which is not very much" like wearing it on a t-shirt.

Although we do endorse wearing this one:

I just assumed this was the real-life version of the guy they based "Super Mario" on

107) This Press Release

One of the two us got this Press Release in her work e-mail inbox yesterday from a guy named Jack Smith, who is doing PR for a movie called "An American Carol":

WHY YOUR TICKET MATTERS*

The courageous conservative comedy from David Zucker opens in theaters nationwide this weekend. Everyone is watching to see what happens.

Hollywood. The media. The Left. Yes, even Michael Moore.

Will the pro-American, pro-military, and pro-faith movie AN AMERICAN CAROL beat Bill Maher's anti-Christian movie RELIGULOUS or Oliver Stone's anti-conservative movie W.?

Only you and I have the ability to answer that. Why? Because our decision whether or not to buy a ticket to AN AMERICAN CAROL will determine the outcome.

If we show up to the theater this weekend for AN AMERICAN CAROL then more conservative movies with conservative actors will be made. If we stay home, well, then more movies by Oliver Stone and Bill Maher will be at our local theater. It's that simple. If you love America, support her men and women in uniform, and want to join like-minded friends at the theater for a ton of laughs ...

Then buy a ticket for AN AMERICAN CAROL at www.americancarolers.com

And laugh like your country depends on it.

Thank you for your support! See you at the movies this weekend.

Jack Smith

Quick rundown of commentary here:

• Anybody who's seen and/or worked on Oliver Stone's "W" has come to the consensus that the movie is neither "anti-conservative" nor specifically "anti-Bush", but rather a sobering look at a fascinating train-wreck of a man who was thrust into the presidency by a megalomaniacal crew of anti-democratic political pirates masquerading as "conservatives"**
• "Religulous" is not anti-Christian. If anything, it is anti-religion. Further proof that the Christian Right equates the words "religious" and "Christian". Maher, however, insists that it's neither. He also insists he's not an atheist. And if anyone cared, he's said for himself why he actually made this movie. Shocker: it's not to take down Christianity.
• There is nothing remotely funny about even making a reference to the insinuation that "conservative" Americans are "real" Americans; that liberals don't support their troops, don't love their country, and that conservatives have a monopoly on faith. Having said that, there's nothing remotely funny about modern-day David Zucker movies anyway.
• For more reasons why you should see "An American Carol", you can visit its Rottentomatoes.com entry, where it has an "N/A" for a rating. Meaning it hasn't been screened for critics. This usually happens when a movie is so good, its creators want to shield it from critical appraisal prior to release so as not to blow anybody's mind or ruin the surprise of how great it is.***
• We'd like to officially welcome Trace Adkins, Kelsey Grammer, Dennis Hopper, and James Woods to The List. You all suck and should be ashamed of yourselves for being willfully divisive, petty, and liars.

* Hahahahah!! See what he did there? Get it? 'Cause seeing shitty movies is just like voting!! Right? What a clever PR move! Because democracy is pretty much a novelty.  Oh, consumerism...
**Also, Oliver Stone is a hack
***Not really

106) Election Theft