75) (See post from Saturday, 8/30)

The adorable kitten says, "Click on me!!!! Meow! I love you! Meow!"

74) Websites that don't update on long weekends...

...and instead just lazily post something kinda generic - like a cute picture of pandas - and assume that's gonna be a good enough for their audience.

73) ...Ellipses abuse...

Whether you're sending an email to a friend or you just happen to be the grammatically-indifferent editor and founder of a major website who's had solidly a decade to learn basic written English...it's just nice to know you don't really have to bother with grammar anymore...Or punctuation, even...Because now whenever you register a pause in your thought process you can simply throw in some ellipses...and it's almost as though your words become readable!...or as though you're communicating your thoughts effectively...anyway...that's about it I guess...




It's true...grammar IS teh awesome...

Daily Hated Day-Break: Giuliani-Libs!!!

Like you, we here at TDH have been enjoying the crap out of the DNC!! Well, the Republican version happens next week, and Rudy Giuliani is going to give the keynote address. And, boy-howdy, if it's anything like the one from four years ago, it's going to be a doozy! :D

So we thought it would be fun to give a little preview of what the speech will be like, Mad Libs style! It's easy: just read the directions in the brackets aloud to a friend and fill in the blanks with whatever they say. Then, adopting your speech impediment of choice (it doesn't have to be lisp - mix it up a little!) read the entire speech back to your friend. You'll both laugh out loud at the HILARIOUS results! Enjoy!

*******************************************
Thank you. It’s wonderful to be here in the Twin Cities and not in [NAME OF A CITY ATTACKED ON SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001] which is the greatest city on [NAME OF A PLANET IN SOLAR SYSTEM CONTAINING COMPLEX LIFE FORMS] and which I was proud to be mayor of on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001].

[NAME OF A CITY ATTACKED ON SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001] was the first capital of our great nation. It was here in 1789, in lower Manhattan, that George Washington took the oath of office as the first president of the United States.

And it was there in [YEAR BETWEEN 2000 AND 2002], in the same lower Manhattan, that President George W. Bush stood amid the fallen towers of the World Trade Center, and he said to the barbaric [UBIQUITOUS BUZZWORD PROVIDING EASY EXCUSE FOR UNPROVOKED INVASION AND PROTRACTED, ENDLESS STATE OF “WAR”, OTHER THAN “COMMUNISTS”] who attacked us, "They will hear from us."
Well, they heard from us.

They heard from us in Afghanistan and we removed the Taliban.

They heard from us in [NAME OF COUNTRY NOT ASSOCIATED WITH 9/11], and we ended [NAME OF DICTATOR ORIGINALLY SET IN PLACE BY DONALD RUMSFELD AND DICK CHENEY]’s reign of terror.

And they will hear from us again, when [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] attacks [NAME OF COUNTRY NOT ASSOCIATED WITH 9/11, LARGELY POPULATED BY BROWN PEOPLE].

So long as [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] is our president, is there any doubt they will continue to hear from us until we defeat global [UBIQUITOUS BUZZWORD PROVIDING EASY EXCUSE FOR UNPROVOKED INVASION AND PROTRACTED, ENDLESS STATE OF “WAR”, OTHER THAN “COMMUNISM”]?

We owe that much and more to the loved ones and heroes that we lost on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001].

You know, we're just not going to let the [UBIQUITOUS BUZZWORD PROVIDING EASY EXCUSE FOR UNPROVOKED INVASION AND PROTRACTED, ENDLESS STATE OF “WAR”, OTHER THAN “COMMUNISTS”] determine where we have political conventions, where we go, how we travel. We're Americans, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

AUDIENCE: USA. USA. USA.

From the first Republican president [NAME OF AN "EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION"-WRITING PRESIDENT, WHOSE REPUBLICAN PARTY WOULD FIND THE CURRENT ONE -UTTERLY OVERTAKEN BY EXTREMISTS, LOBBYISTS, NEOCONS AND CRIMINALS- TOTALLY UNRECOGNIZABLE] to President George W. Bush, to [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] our party's great contribution is to expand [VALUE COMMONLY ASSOCIATED WITH CONSTITUTIONAL DEMOCRACY, THOUGH LARGELY IGNORED IN PRACTICE BY MANY CONSTITUTIONAL DEMOCRACIES] in our own land and all over the world.

And our party is at its best when we make certain that we have a powerful national defense in a still very, very dangerous world.

We were reminded just how dangerous it is on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001].

I don't believe that we're right about everything, and Democrats are wrong. They're wrong about most things.

But seriously, neither party has a monopoly on virtue.

Not like the monopoly on virtue I experienced on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001]

We don't have all the right ideas. They don't have all the wrong ideas.

But I know the wrong idea is allowing events like those that occurred on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001] to go unanswered, and so that’s why we need [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] to carry on the fight.

But I do believe there are times in history when our ideas are more necessary and more important and critical, and this is one of those times when we are facing war and danger.

There are times when leadership is the most important.

On [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001], [NAME OF A CITY ATTACKED ON SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001] our nation faced the worst attack in our history. On that day, we had to confront reality.

Which is why we need to [CHOOSE BETWEEN “ELECT” OR “STEAL ELECTION (FOR THIRD CONSECUTIVE TIME) FOR”] [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] in 2008!

I know what you’re saying: sure he’s proven in the realm of [AREA OF POLITICS WHEREIN NOMINEE IS NOT, IN FACT, PROVEN] and [AREA OF POLITICS WHEREIN NOMINEE IS NOT, IN FACT, PROVEN], but what about [ISSUE ACTUALLY RELEVANT TO UNEMPLOYED AMERICAN FACING FORECLOSURE]?
What about [ISSUE ACTUALLY RELEVANT TO AMERICAN CITIZEN], [ISSUE ACTUALLY RELEVANT TO AMERICAN CITIZEN], [ISSUE ACTUALLY RELEVANT TO AMERICAN CITIZEN] or [ISSUE ACTUALLY RELEVANT TO AMERICAN CITIZEN]?

Well, let me tell you, that as I learned on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001], as he stood with me on the rubble and looked me in the eye, I knew that [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] was a [POTENTIALLY FICTIONAL AND/OR MAGICAL CREATURE ABLE OF PERFORMING TASKS THAT HE HAS NOT AS YET SHOWN ANY EVIDENCE OF THE ABILITY TO PERFORM] and that no matter what the challenge, whether it be a [RELEVANT ISSUE] crisis, or a [RELEVANT ISSUE] crises, a problem with [SOMETHING RELEVANT, WHICH PRESUMPTIVE CANDIDATE IS WOEFULLY UNQUALIFIED TO HANDLE] or [SOMETHING RELEVANT, ABOUT WHICH PRESUMPTIVE CANDIDATE HAS DEMONSTRATED A PROFOUND DEGREE OF INDIFFERENCE/INEPTITUDE], [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE] would not back down from any fight, especially not one the likes of which we were challenged to on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001].
He is a man of great [WORD THAT SORT OF MEANS “RELIGIOUS CONVICTION”, BUT LESS SPECIFIC, SINCE PRESUMPTIVE CANDIDATE IS, BY ALL KNOWING ACCOUNTS, AN ATHEIST] and [JUST GO AHEAD AND STICK THE WORD “COURAGE” HERE].

I think he proved that when he [SOMETHING PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE SPENT 5 YEARS DOING, OTHER THAN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS].

Ladies and gentleman, citizens of these great United States which, as we may all remember, were attacked by [UBIQUITOUS BUZZWORD PROVIDING EASY EXCUSE FOR UNPROVOKED INVASION AND PROTRACTED, ENDLESS STATE OF “WAR”, OTHER THAN “COMMUNISTS”] on [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001], I am proud to be a [SOMETHING RUDY GIULIANI IS PROUD OF BEING, OR JUST A MADE-UP NOUN], I am proud of this country for having survived the events of [DATE BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 10th, 2001 AND SEPTEMBER 12th, 2001], and I am proud of [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE].

Good night, [NAME OF DEITY] bless you, [NAME OF DEITY] bless [NAME OF PRESUMPTIVE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE], and [NAME OF DEITY] bless America.

72) ..."Grease"

If you went to high school, then you either were in or had to watch your high school's production of "Grease." Why? Because nothing appeals more to high schoolers, people who weren't cool in high school and never got over it, or perpetually-trapped-in-adolescence gay dance teachers more than "Grease." Although the outfits (capri pants, pedal pushers), the hair (pompadours), the stars* (John Travolta is now a fat Scientologist, Jeff Conaway is a drug addict who makes a living from embarrassing himself on VH1 reality shows, Olivia Newton-John makes infomercials with Deepak Chopra), and the messages (you should change yourself to make boys like you!) are completely dated, people still love the cornball songs about summer love and flunking out of beauty school and almost getting knocked up.


Kenickie today - this is what a lifetime of people running up to you on the street and sing-shouting "You'retheonethatIwant!" will do to a man (well, when combined with drugs and alcohol)


What's even more annoying than people willingly doing the hand jive and singing "shoo-de-bop-YEAH" is the fact that romanticizing "Grease" goes hand-in-hand with something else that sucks, which is romanticizing the 1950s. You'll notice that most of the people who dream about how awesome it would be to go live in the '50s are people who are way too young to have actually lived in that decade. If they had lived then, they'd know that while they might like some of the clothes, those "wholeseome American values" were just a mask for repressive notions about gender, race, and class. People who dream of going back to a "simpler time" are welcome to spend the rest of their lives in their kitchens cooking meals for their workaholic husband and raising their five kids, but the rest of us non-delusional types will be back in the 21st century doing vodka shots.

"Grease" currently stars Taylor Hicks.

*Editor's Note: Stockard Channing will always, always be awesome.

71) Taylor Hicks and...

The fifth season of "American Idol" had some of the best finalists in the show's history (Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin), but the finale came down to two of the worst: Katharine McPhee and Taylor Hicks. I made my then-boyfriend, who hates all things reality TV, watch part of the finale with me. His response basically sums up everything I hate about Taylor: "Who the fuck is the old dude wearing a blazer made out of Barney?"

Taylor Hicks is many things: old, annoying, unattractive, a thoroughly mediocre singer, and a no-talent assclown who got dropped by his record label because while people inexplicably voted for him to win the show they came to their senses by the time his album came out. One thing he is not, though, is any fucking good.

70)...the Confederate Flag

Inherent associations with racism aside, it utterly defies logic to at once preach love of America and to identify oneself with an organization that staged a full-scale insurrection against the nation and led to the mostly costly war in terms of American lives in the country's short history.


That thing they're doing with their hands? That's heritage-loving-American code for "Hooray! America! Whoo! Heritage!" *

To suggest that flying a Confederate Flag underneath, near, next to, or in place of an American Flag - or even to fly one within the American borders - is a demonstration of one's culture heritage is not unlike saying the same would be true for flying an Al Qaeda banner in the same way and for the same reasons, with the one notable difference that Al Qaeda has, thus far, claimed far fewer American lives than the Confederacy did.

Oh, and also, racism.

*except for the one on the far right, who's waving to his mom.

69) American Flag lapel pins and...

So let's see if we got this straight:
If, like Barack Obama, you do not constantly wear a tiny American Flag label pin, your patriotism is immediately called in to question: "Why does Barack Obama not wear a lapel pin?!" they ask. "Is it because he's a secret Muslim who, like all Muslims, hates America, but in that special way that only secret America-hating Muslims all secretly do?"

And yet, when American Flag-wearing members of the Bush Administration (namely all of them) ignore, spit upon, show contempt for, or otherwise desecrate and destroy the Constitution on which this country was built, their patriotism goes unchallenged, because they did so during a period of American Flag lapel pin-wearing, proving their loyalty to the Constitution.


The thing he's doing with his finger is secret Muslim code for "I hate America and I'm a secret Muslim". It's true. I read it! In a book!!! A book without pictures!!!!* About facts!!!!!


Interestingly enough:

-Said Constitution used to protect something called "freedom of expression" (pretty sure that one's mention early on, as well...), i.e. the right to not wear an American Flag lapel pin and still express your patriotism in other ways, such as a competent understanding of economics, an expressed and demonstrable loyalty to the Constitution, and patriotism.

-Many of the people most likely to call non-American-Flag-lapel-pin-wearing Americans unpatriotic are the same people who will simultaneously defend the relevance and sanctity of...(to be continued)

*okay, it had some pictures

68) ...everything else David Cross hates

Yep. We agree.

67) Rudy Giuliani and...

Suggesting Rudy Giuliani was fit to serve as President because he was the mayor of New York City during the September 11th attacks is not unlike suggesting Keith Talley should have won the Academy Award for Best Director because he was the Best Boy Rigging Grip for "Waterworld".

It's not that we hate Giuliani; it's that we hate fascists and frauds, and so we hate Giuliani.

We do thank him for this: the period pf American history during which Giuliani "ran for President" may in fact be the only joke that will never, ever get old.

But seriously, dude: the ties to terrorists, the (ahem) "crackdown" (known in some cultures as "martial law meant to rid a population by any means necessary") of the homeless people in New York so that the streets are safer for European tourists, and all those made-up facts about your efficacy as mayor...? There's a reason why Tony Soprano wouldn't make a good President, either, and we'll give you a hint - It's not because he's fictional.

66) Thomas Kinkade

It seems that "painter of light" is actually translated from another language, so "light" doesn't actually mean "light," it means "douchetastic paintings that are too crappy even for motel rooms and use lots of light effects to disguise or diminish the fact that they are painted by monkeys trapped in cages and denied food until they finish 10 more cobblestone walkways and 7 gazebos."


"Art"

Here: We'll let the official Thomas Kinkade website (with its countdown clock to "Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage - the DVD"!) try to explain it to you.

Daily Hated Day-Break: Running Mate Fever!!

Now that Michael Phelps is done doing that thing everybody was talking about him doing for so long*, all anybody seems to be talking about now is who Barack Obama and John McCain are going to chose as their running mates. So we decided to test your policitical and popcultural savvy!

If the following people were running for President, who would their running mate be? Match the "candidate" to their likely "veep". Good luck!





*The Daily Hated congratulates Michael Phelps on his amazing accomplishment, doing whatever he does.

65) Scott Stapp

Writing in a derogatory way about Scott Stapp feels a little like attempting to either outdo or re-write the works of Shakespeare. On the one hand, it's already been done so well by so many deeply talented, soulful people (like David Cross, or like the Faith + 1 episode of South Park, or himself) that we're inclined to leave well enough alone.

On the other hand, Scott Stapp sucks so badly, on so many levels, in such a holistic, self-evident, immaculate, pure, tear-inducing, inspiring, Platonic-idealist sort of way, it almost feels like a crime to do anything but stare in awe at the glowing aurora of mediocrity bathed in unearned and utterly delusional egomania that emanates off of Scott Stapp like the sweat from his almost-always exposed nipples.

So instead we just decided we'd let this incredibly funny picture (which was, in fact, meant to be taken seriously) of Scott Stapp (who in no way has an obsessed homoerotic fixation with himself) speak for itself:

64) TYPING IN ALL CAPS

SERIOUSLY STOP YELLING AND CUT IT OUT LEANR HOW TO USE THE INTERNETS OR STOP USING THE INTENRNETS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE CANT FUCKNIG TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE SERIOUSLY

63) The widespread, full-scale assault on the definition of "irony"

Please take your seats for today's TDH English lesson

Alanis Morisette is not responsible for the fact that just about nobody understands the actual definition of "ironic". She is, however, at least responsible for pointing out to the whole world - in an embarrassingly enormous, VH1-assisted announcement that arrived in the form of an incessantly ubiquitous pop song - that a staggering number of English speakers don't actually know very much about the English language.


OMG I hate English!!!!

English isn't especially elegant and, as the bastard child of several other languages, it doesn't actually make much sense, either. It's sort of like the linguistic equivalent of what would occur if a blind, autistic child were to create a Mr. Potato Head using the parts of 8 or 9 neatly-assembled Mr. Potato Heads created by non-autistic children with the gift of sight: sure, all the holes would be filled, but there's a realistic chance they'd all be filled with shoes.


Or end up like this...

Still, there's a difference between not understanding what words mean and boldly, pop-songishly pretending to understand what words mean; there is, for instance, a reason why nobody has written a hit song called "Parsimonious" or "Discursive".

There is, to be fair, one instance of irony in Morisette's song: "Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly/He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye/He waited his whole damn life to take that flight/And as the plane crashed down he thought 'Well isn't this nice...'" This actually constitutes a classic instance of situational irony. The man in question's non-risk-taking qualities were apparently so profound as to have made him identifiable as "that one guy who never takes risks". We can assume he never takes risks because he imagines himself a unique and irrational target of misfortune. When he caves in against his better (though still irrational) judgment, the unlikely vindication of his unqualified beliefs actually comes to pass, and thus he takes a moment of smug satisfaction as he plunges to a death that only he could have predicted, despite a complete lack of any evidence.

Ironic then goes on to have ten instances of things that are not, in any way, ironic.

Where, for instance, is the irony in a traffic jam when one is "already late"? Last time I checked, that just sort of sucks.

Still, it is possible to amend Morisette's song in such a way as to make each situation ironic. Let us take, for instance, "It's like rain on your wedding day". It's actually not at all like rain on your wedding day. It could, however, be re-written as, "It's like promising to marry someone as soon as it stops raining, and then for three consecutive years the rain never stops, not once, and in the face of ecological disaster, you finally cave and tell your betrothed, 'Frak it...we'll just get married today,' and as you're walking down the likely-flooded aisle, the clouds clear and the sun comes out."

Now, we will admit that it's difficult to cram that into a pop song in catchy, rhyming verse. So perhaps it's better to rename the song "Bummer" or "Drag" or "Oh...Sad.. :(". Of course, the one instance of irony would have to be removed, and so we suggest changing the line about the man who was afraid to fly to the following: "A guy died in a plane crash."

As a rule of thumb, irony is generally complicated and hard to put your finger on, but here are two good examples to refer to:

From "Jagged Little Pill" -
"Black fly in chardonnay": Bummer; Not complicated; Not ironic

From Wikipedia -
"Bruce Campbell cut his hand off with a chainsaw when it was possessed by a demon, and then replaced his hand with the same chainsaw, becoming a demon-fighting machine": Awesome; Complicated; Totally ironic (and also totally badass and awesome)


What really matters here is that we finally found a way to get a picture of Bruce Campbell on our website

In other words, when a situation is really weird, but not necessarily tragic, and is kind of complicated to the point where you can't really articulate why it's weird, or funny, or pseudo-tragic, and when the word "bummer" just won't suffice, then you can pretty much safely assume it's ironic. Ironically, the person to whom you are hypothetically making the claim of irony is probably going to be unclear on what the word "irony" means, anyway.


Finally, as much as an affront to the elegant and/or accurate and/or useful application of language as Ms. Morissette's song represents, as with most all things, it absolutely pales in comparison to that of the men and women Jeanne Zelasko who comprise America's sports analysis community. The other day, I heard a sports analyst talk about veteran MLB pitcher Paul Byrd's first start for the Boston Red Sox, who had just acquired Byrd from the Cleveland Indians. Byrd was to be matched up against Toronto Blue Jay's starter Roy Halladay.

The sports analyst in question made this observation: "Ironically, Byrd faced Halladay just last week when the Indians were playing a series against the Blue Jays..."


Guess which one!! No, really...go ahead! Guess!

So while Ms. Morisette may understand "ironic" to mean the same thing as "unfortunate", sports analysts have apparently come to accept the definition of "irony" as, roughly, "anything".

62) Midtown

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Self, I really want to live in New York City, but I also want to live in exurbia at the same time?"

Many people have had this same dilemma. And thus, Midtown was created.



Yes, the Empire State Building and Chrysler Building are both in Midtown. But so are 1,199 Starbucks, 588 McDonald's, 435 Pottery Barns, 912 Barnes and Nobles, a couple of Olive Gardens, a TGI Fridays, and every designer baby boutique you could dream of.

Not only that, but this magical city/exurb hybrid (where people cease being people and instead transform into slow-moving, obese zombie-obstacles) has a "witching hour," aka 6 PM. Just like in the 'burbs, this is when unattractive middle aged dudes in suits come streaming out of tall buildings and jump into cars while complaining to each other about how that merger with the Tokyo company might not go through or how his wife keeps complaining about him not spending enough time with the kids.

Newsflash, guys: Mad Men is a TV show, and you're not on it.

61) Ironic Parodies of WWJD Accessories

Hey, we get it. Those WWJD products became seriously annoying. But then something more sinister happened. People made products that parodied WWJD products. And, just as the "Scream" movies are way more annoying than actual horror movies, these WWJD spoofs became more annoying than the real thing. First, there were parodies from other faiths--what would Moses, or Buddha, or Muhammad do? Then they segued into other fictional characters and pop culture icons: Bart Simpson, MacGuyver, Chuck Norris [Side note: the "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" song from the South Park movie is exempt from this list, as it is a) actual irony, instead of fake, affected irony, and b) funny.]


Umm...what would Joan Jett do? I dunno. Rebel? Sing "I Love Rock n Roll", probably? Maybe punch a dude? What's your point here?


Finally, the trend turned back on itself, refocusing on Jesus, but choosing to ask what he would drive or buy.

What would Jesus do? Probably actually get some shit done instead of sitting around being a self-referential asshole. Just a guess, though.

60) WWJD Accessories

WWJD merchandise is like a prism of annoying: you can look at it from many angles, all of them perfectly valid, and as soon as you shine a light on it, you get a beautiful rainbow of things that are absolutely intolerable.

For instance
-Not even the Gospels agree on what Jesus would do. So maybe there should be spin-off merchandise. Like, "What Would Jesus Do According To Mark?", or "WWJDATM*". But that wouldn't work, because what would "What Would Jesus Do According To Matthew?" bracelets/t-shirts/toilet covers say? Either way, this is a good reason for Christians to fight with each other even more than they already do.

-What Jesus would do is not actually the point of Christianity. Like...at all. If you've figured out what Jesus would do in any given situation, I got news for you: congratulations, you're the perfect, sinless incarnation of God made flesh.** If you want to better embody the message of Christianity, we suggest the less-catchy, more-accurate slogan "How Might Jesus Theoretically Have Addressed The Ambiguous Moral Complexity Of The Situation At Hand And What Lessons Can I Draw From That That Would Benefit All Involved And Achieve At Least A Slightly Better Outcome Than Merely Taking My Own Self-Interest Into Account, Knowing Full Well That No Situation Can Be Perfectly Resolved, That No Two Situations Are Alike, And That I Am Not, In Fact, The Messiah?", or "HMJTHATAMCOTSAHAWLCIDFTTW
BAIAAALASBOTMTMOSIIAKFWTNSCBPRTNTSAAATIANIFTM?***

-Of the handful of things we can pretty confidently guess that Jesus would not do, among them is certainly that he would likely not embrace the crass commoditization and commercialization of Christianity. We're also fairly certain that if he wanted to reduce his message two a four-letter acronym, the Gospels would read as such:

"And Jesus handedeth out to his followers
Bands of the wrists, reading upon them the message:
WWJD?
And Jesus spake,
'Take, wear...for these are the bracelets of the covenant
and for only $3.99, thou canst purchase thine own.
Weareth thee these bracelets,
And whenst thou knowest not what to do,
Simply payeth attention to everythingth I do
And then thou canst look unto thine bracelet
And thou canst just remember the thingth I hast done
And thou canst just copy it.
We also have t-shirts'

So sayeth the Gospel."



*machine
** you're not
*** which would still make for a cool tattoo...

59) Morale

"Morale has been low since the Firings began last year. Pru says morale is a word thrown around only in the context of its absence. You never look at a hot young thing and say, check out that spring chicken, but only use it to describe your great-aunt: she's no spring chicken." - Ed Park, Personal Days

Park's assessment of morale is exactly right. No one talks about whether employees are happy when they're actually happy. By the time some higher-up notices that morale is low, it's already too late.



Invariably, when said higher-up notices the low morale, he or she will not try to figure out the causes and will instead focus time and energy on alleviating the symptoms. People are complaining about not making enough money? Rather than give them raises, the higher-up reasons, why not take them all to play Paintball and give them some lollipops to take home with "TEAMWORK" written on the wrapper? Instead of addressing the fact that all the random layoffs might make people insecure about their job security, why not hang up an inspirational poster of a cat's two front paws clinging to a tree branch with "HANG IN THERE" printed below?

Yes, brilliant! Everyone knows inspirational posters fix everything! Morale morale morale.

Daily Hated Day-Break: Updates and Corrections

TDH is committed to the highest standards of journalistic excellence, and we know that you have come to expect nothing short of perfection from us. We admit that such expectations are perfectly valid and have frankly been earned, and that John and Lilit do not often make mistakes. Our interns, however, often do, and so here we apologize for them and address some of the concerns and comments you have made in recent days:

CORRECTION:


Regarding our recent story on Slytherins, JasmineL said, "True. Though I love Snape anyway." number1george said, "Move for Snape to be noted as an official exception to this entry."

TDH Says: Yes. We agree. Snape rules. Snape is hereby officially noted as an exception to this entry and now joins Jason Bateman, Alec Baldwin, and Adam Baldwin in our immunity list.



CORRECTION:


Regarding our post on non-Pixar movies, raphael said, "I'm actually a huge fan of Madagascar."

TDH Says: This was clearly an internal error. Our commenting system somehow posted this comment as it appears and not as "Madagascar is fucking awful and I hate that movie", as we can only assume it was intended to appear. TDH regrets this error and apologizes to raphael for making it appear as though he likes that terrible, terrible movie.


UPDATE:


Recently, a news story broke that TDH had to fire all its summer interns due to incompetence and insubordination.


TDH Says: This is, in fact, true. However, we can only tell our interns to write posts for us so many times before it becomes clear they are simply not cut out for the job, and we cannot allow our interns to be resentful when we refer to them as "interns". Any instances of slander against the fair and balanced editorial team at TDH that may be found on this site should be ignored, especially when the editors-in-chief were merely trying to credit their summer interns with their discoveries, even though the interns' contracts guarantee neither creative credit nor pay of any kind. But, y'know...gratitude. TDH regrets their errors and the fact that these snarkers will amount to nothing.



One of our smug, self-satisfied, and now unemployed former interns

If you would like to be a summer intern with TDH, we would remind you that it's the middle of August, so it's a little late for that, and we only hire interns who demonstrate initiative.




RESPONSE:


Regarding our post on Koala Bear Kare Baby Changing Stations, kari wrote, "oh my god, thank you."

TDH Says: "Sure".



RESPONSE:



Regarding our post on Kate Hudson, Leoni, who clearly loves Kate Hudson for whatever reason, kept tacitly defending Kate Hudson.

TDH Says: You're the one who has to get up in the morning and look at your Kate Hudson-loving self in the mirror as you make your way through your own, sad, Kate Hudson-loving world. Whatevs.

58) Brett Ratner

Why?

Really?

Well, we could start with "X3". Or we could talk about how there should be a rule that, if a movie called "Rush Hour" stands as your creative, commercial, and critical triumph, then you should no longer be employed as a filmmaker.

Or we could skip all of that and you could watch these glorious, glorious 95 seconds:






TDH Note - The part where Brett Ratner casually lumps himself in with Steven Spielberg actually gets funnier every time you watch it.

57) "Don't Stop Believing" / People who wrongfully remember Journey as a good band

If you are...

-...out with your buddies, and you had maybe one or two too many Alabama Slammers, and you're stumbling down the street with said buddies, and you hear that Bon Jovi song emanating from that bar you guys are walking by right now, and, DUDE, you fuckin' LOVE that song, and you decide to go check it out, and you totally want to sing something, but you don't know what, and suddenly that one episode of "Family Guy" pops in your head, the one about karaoke where they keep singing that song, and you fuckin' LOVE that song, and so you ask Steve/Tommy/Parker what that song was, and he's like "AW, dude...yeah...what the fuck was that???", and you're like "fuck", and then you go, "wait, but it was also at the end of 'The Sopranos", and then Parker is like, "DUDE! That shit's Journey! I LOVE song!", and so you ask the karaoke host what the song is, and he goes "Don't Stop Believing" and you go, "Yeah! We're doing that one!" and then you high-five Steve and/or Tommy and/or Parker...



-or-

-...the girl who either has to leave the bar by 2:30 to get back to her parents' house in Jersey or get wasted enough so that literally anybody will take her home, who is wearing a terrible black dress that is one size too small, gold hope earrings, and sipping on a Midori sour with a cherry, who, as soon as "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, jumps out of her booth and throws her hands up and, for whatever reason, runs toward the stage/singing area shouting, "Oh my god I LOVE this song!"...

-or-

-...are under the wrongful impression that Journey is now, was then, or has ever been or shall ever be a legitimately good band or are under the impression that "Don't Stop Believing" still has absolutely any shred of nostalgia appeal, that you are the only person who would think of singing a song everybody seems to have totally forgotten about because it'll bring back old memories, and you are blissfully ignorant to the fact that, at the very same moment that you, Steve, Tommy, and Parker are doing a tone-deaf, scream-singing interpretation of an already terrible song, literally hundreds of thousands of identical people are doing the same thing all across America...

...then please promptly kill yourself.

Kindest regards,
John and Lilit



When the term "desecrating the artistic integrity of" can be applied to this man, something has gone woefully wrong in the course of human history.

56) Americans obsessed with Japan

The global community, by and large, considers Americans to be, by and large, annoying. It's a bit baffling, then, that perhaps the most annoying sub-category of Americans are Americans who wish they weren't American and instead yearn to be Japanese and/or to live in Japan and be accepted by Japanese people and/or culture as "just one of the Japanese".

To understand why these particular Americans are so annoying, however, one must note a subtle distinction - Americans obsessed with Japan are not, in fact, obsessed with Japan itself nor do Americans obsessed with being Japanese actually wish to be Japanese.



Most of these Americans simply hate the fact that they come from a hollow, empty culture like America, and so prefer to identify themselves with the Japanese, who adore the hollow emptiness of American culture, but in an intellectual way that's way better due to some made-up reason that has something vaguely to do with Samurai. Also, Americans obsessed with Japan like the fact that Japanese culture is so much more progressive than American culture, so long as you overlook things such as Japan's alliance with Nazis a mere 60ish years ago and its subsequent embrace of a more convenient version of that particular time in history in its school textbooks and an extraordinary tradition of culturally-accepted misogyny (see also: the availability of used school girl underwear in Japanese vending machines).

In other words, these are people obsessed with bright colors, video games, inoffensive punk rock, being in shape, action movies with subtitles and barely-coherent mythological references, anything that isn't from the western hemisphere, anything most regular people don't understand, sushi, and anime.

55) Everything about the product name "Koala Bear Kare Baby Changing Stations"

Let's just do a quick run-down of the specific crimes perpetrated by this company:


Warning: Before using Koala Bear Baby Changing Stations, please be sure you are an over-the-top caricature of a stereotypical mother from a 1950s propaganda poster.

1) Using the word "koala" in your product name does not justify changing the spelling of "care" so as that it begins with the letter "k"
This kind of thing makes us stabby.*

2) Koalas aren't bears
And even if they were, they still don't wear diapers, so we're struggling to see the tie-in here...

3) The term "Baby Changing Station" is tantalizingly, crushingly misleading
It's a diaper-changing station, not a "baby changing station". If it were a baby changing station, then you could use it to change your baby into a different, less obnoxious baby; maybe one that doesn't cry or eat or poop so goddamn much...or, like, at all.

Even more promisingly, it suggests that you could change your baby for something equally "valuable" (we're using that term objectively, as a measure of how much babies wind up costing you), like, say, a beachfront property in Monaco or a lifetime of peace and happiness.

*Except when "The Daily Show" runs old Stephen Colbert bits and calls it "Klassic Kolbert", because that's just hilarious.

54) Animal prints

I love animals. Zebras, tigers, leopards, whatever. But their skins look good on them, and not on you, woman with bad dye job on the subway. Yes, you.

Also, please note that animals only wear one print at a time, so please stop mixing and matching your mammals and your reptiles.


First question: Which of the above is about to get torn limb from limb and subsequently eaten alive by a lion? Follow-up question: How is it, exactly, that you then justify the existence of this so-called "God" of yours?

53) Slytherins

"Or perhaps in Slytherin,
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means,
To achieve their ends."
-The Sorting Hat



"Dude,
Slytherins are assholes."
- John and Lilit

52) Bridal Magazines

You know how the whole point of moving to a town far away from your parents was so your mom couldn't bug you all the time about when you were finally going to settle down and start popping out babies?

Yeah, well, apparently someone thought you needed that and decided to create your mom in magazine form.



Depending on where you live and what you're inundated by, you can choose from:

-Brides
-Modern Bride
-Southern Bride
-La Bella Bride
-American Bride
-New Jersey Bride

However, what's fascinating about all these magazines is that while they claim to be wildly different, they are in fact all the same. Let's observe, shall we?

-Cover features woman in a strapless, princess-style white dress...occasionally the woman is not white
-Includes articles about 'green' weddings and how to make sure they're just as expensive as non-'green' ones
-Talks about wedding night sex in annoying, faux-modest, "tee hee" way
-Impossible to tell the difference between articles and advertisements
-Gushes about some famous person who has done nothing of note except get married recently (bonus points if it's a soap star)
-Barely mentions the groom, since the point is that you're getting married, not that you're committing to a person you love
-No mention of gay people

Daily Hated Day-Break: Guido Beach

When one of TDH's summer interns found this video, we just had to call an emergency meeting.

Three hours, two short naps, and 76 instances of the word "morale" later, we had finally come to the following consensus on this important topic:

This is, in fact, the best thing ever.

51) Computer-animated Movies Not Made by Pixar

Here's a short list of things we don't care about:

-Jeffrey Katzenberg's hatred of his former bosses at Disney
-Anything Mike Myers has done since the first "Austin Powers" movie/Eddie Murphy has done since so long ago we can't even remember
-What the world would be like if Will Smith, Angelina Jolie, and Rene Zellwegger suddenly became sea creatures
-Ditto if Robin Williams were a robot
-Anything three-dimensional, animated, and lacking the involvement of Jon Lasseter, Brad Bird, Andrew Stanton, and/or Pete Docter



Hahahahaha...oh, outmoded racial stereotypes...the stuff of classic family entertainment.


Hint to the creators of "Shrek" 1-8 (and "A Very Shrek Christmas" or whatever), "Robots", "Chicken Little", "Ice Age", "Ice Age 2", "Madagascar", "Madagascar 2", "The Wild", "Shark Tale", "Valiant", "Bee Movie", "Surf's Up", and all that other wretched dreck you keep pumping out: We don't love Pixar movies because they look cool, or because they feature celebrities voicing cute, humanized animal characters, or because they, like, take place under water...

We love them because they somehow force us and and our bitter, bitter hearts to admit that maybe the world isn't such a bad place after all and jump and cheer in absolute retardedly all-consuming glee, largely because they are fucking awesome movies made by people with talent who don't hate the world/childhood/our central nervous system.

Might want to get on that...

*none of this applies to Amblin/Dreamworks' "Monster House", which is a superb movie.

50) People whose childhoods are apparently directly dependent upon the creative impulses of George Lucas

The next time I hear the phrase "ruined my childhood" immediately preceded by the name "George Lucas" or "Sam Raimi" or "Joel Schumacher" or anybody who decides to make a movie that said person happens to dislike, I'm going to invent a time machine and go back in time dressed up as Darth Vader, scaring the shit out of the five-year-old that-person and demanding they spend more time outside and instructing them to be sure to have more sex in their late-teens/early-twenties.


Get (KAAWWW) The Fuck (PHEEEEEEW) Over It (KAAAAWWWW)

I will then go forward in time and see if said person's childhood is still so susceptible to ruin that it can be utterly destroyed over the course of two hours and for a twelve-dollar price tag.

If the answer is yes, I will get back in the time machine and return to a simpler time, when people had real things to bitch about. Like, say, that of the bubonic plague.

49) Baby Seals

Seriously.

How could the offspring of two incredibly attractive human beings like Heidi Klum and Seal (y'know...if you look past the weird scars, we mean) look like this?



Do us all a favor and take a club to that thing, would you?**

What?

What did you think we were talking about?

This?



What are we, freakin' soulless?

**(DISCLAIMER: The Daily Hated does not condone nor endorse the clubbing of infants of any species, nor the very act of reproduction itself. Any evidence to the contrary is simply a product of the reader projecting their sick fantasies onto the fine work of this prestigious website)

48) Kate Hudson

How did a kooky, progressive, hilarious woman like Goldie Hawn manage to give birth to a preening, uninteresting daughter like Kate Hudson?

Every single month I pass by the newsstand and yet another fashion magazine is featuring Kate Hudson on the cover. I know she might have a new project coming out, but so do a lot of other people. Preferably, people who have anything remotely interesting or intelligent to say in interviews and have style tips beyond "wear so-called hippie clothes that are actually resort wear and cost $3,000."

Forget "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." Let's try "How to Make Me Hate Kate Hudson in 10 Ways."

1. She was OK in 'Almost Famous.' Definitely not Oscar-worthy OK, but OK. You know who was really good in that movie, though? Billy Crudup. And Frances McDormand. And every single other actor who had more than two lines.

And Patrick Fugit. And Zooey Deschanel. God, even Bijou Philips and Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. We went there.

2. Sure, she got where she is because of nepotism. But considering how many not-related-to-famous-people have to take crappy movie roles just to pay the bills, why does Kate keep taking terrible projects when she doesn't have to?
3. 'The Four Feathers.'
4. Other than 'Almost Famous' and 'The Four Feathers,' all her movies are the same.
5. Owen Wilson did not try to kill himself because Kate Hudson broke up with him, no matter what Us Weekly tells you.
6. That said, I might attempt suicide to get her away from me.
7. Being blonde and tan does not qualify as "California surfer girl chic," particularly not when there are ten million better looking blonde actresses in L.A.
8. Have any of you seen any movie she's done in the last five years? Go ahead, I'm waiting.
9. Can you even name one? And no, "That one with Owen Wilson" does not count as a title. Seriously, I'm waiting.
10. I rest my case.

47) "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"

We're not sure which we hate the most here:
-that this show is popular
-that someone keeps employing Jeff Foxworthy at almost exactly the same time as when we've lulled ourselves into a false sense of security, certain that, surely, he's gone for good this time...right?
-or that the answer, by and large, appears to be "no".



Whoawhoawhoa...hold on: what did that guy just say about rednecks? Oh, man...he went there! Oh, he SO went there! God, he is so EDGY! It's true! Rednecks DO enjoy country music and trailers! How has no one else ever noticed??


Imagine our surprise, then, when it turned out the answer was, in fact, "none of the above".

Like so many other things, the thing we hate most about "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" is Kellie Pickler.







Hahaha...Oh, Europe.

46) Jews for Jesus

Let me see if I have this straight.

So, you were a Jew. Maybe one of those really serious hat-wearing Jews. And then you, like, saw The Passion of the Christ or read a pamphlet somebody handed you in the park, and suddenly you were all aboard the Jesus train?

That's cool and everything, but you know what they call those where I come from? Christians.

To recap:

JEW + JESUS = CHRISTIAN

JEW + ACCEPTING JESUS CHRIST AS PERSONAL LORD AND SAVIOR = CHRISTIAN


An artist's rendition of an early "Jews for Jesus" meeting (source unknown)

45) Meetings

"I have something to tell you. It is so phenomenally important that I simply cannot run up to you right now and tell you. Instead, I will arbitrarily select a date in the future, with no regard to what time of day you most like to process useless information, and instead of speaking to each other like rational adults I will instead cram as many buzzwords or sports metaphors as I can into every sentence, while making a simple announcement become a long, drawn-out speech.

"That was fun!

"Now, let's repeat the process..."


"Gang, I'd like to discuss some exciting upcoming proactive viral marketing initiatives..."