29) People who refer to anything other than porn as "porn"

Nice pictures of things you enjoy are not the same as porn.

For instance, this is a nice picture of food:



Looks pretty good, right? You'd probably look at that and be like, "Oh, what a nice picture of food. How delightful and unlike porn that is."

This is "food porn":

[Image removed by FCC, SOPA, PIPA, basic sense of decency]

You'd probably look at that and be like "HOLY [23 offensive terms removed by FCC, SOPA, PIPA], WHY, WHY, WHY???????!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
 

The Daily Hated SuperPac

More than a year ago, reading the writing on the wall of the then-impending "age of civility"*, TDH fired all its interns, set fire to its offices, collected the insurance money, and left with its editors' pride and sterling reputations intact.

Thanks to the Supreme Court, we are back! Well, not us, because that would be illegal, but rather pro-us anonymous corporate donors who will pay for posts on this blog that serve as posts from us but are, in fact, completely independent, issue-based posts that may happen to be, purely by coincidence, entirely indistinguishable from the sorts of posts that you would have expected to find here if we coordinated with Americans for a Hated Day in any way, which we don't, because it's illegal.

The whole thing can be explained by watching this simple, easy-to-follow educational video, which has in no way been pirated:





*Also, we were broke.

Jim Morrison will still be guilty of having been a dreadful human being

Noted insanely overrated songwriter and dreadful, terrible, abusive asshole Jim Morrison might be pardoned for an indecency-related conviction that pales in comparison to the shitty, awful douchebag he was the rest of the time.


Bleh

Some are encouraging outgoing Florida Governor Charlie Crist to make a pardon of Morrison's 1969 conviction in Miami one of his final acts as governor. Let's all hope he does, so that we can stop worrying about the fact that Morrison was convicted for a relatively petty and harmless offense and get back to pointing out what a miserable, self-absorbed womanizing alcoholic shitbag he was, and how the Doors weren't actually all that good.

Most interesting thing that could possibly happen on worst game show of all time happens

Can we cancel it now?

It's a f*%ing horse, people.

Briefly deprived of important things to worry about this past weekend, an entire civilized nation in the midst of a crushing economic quagmire and embroiled in bitter partisan divided got all upset that a horse named after a Police album didn't win a race that lasted, like, 15 seconds.


Above left or right: the stupid horse that had everybody all upset that it didn't achieve some kind of meaningless record only humans care about, since the horse itself probably couldn't even remember as far back as the previous morning.

Apparently, though, the horse took it in stride.

"If Zenyatta was disappointed, she sure didn't show it," reports the Associated Press.

Largely, this lack of disappointment-showing was probably due to the fact that horses neither understand the concept of nor possess the ability to express purely human emotions like "disappointment". Surprisingly, non-self-aware biological entities forced to compete in spectacles designed solely for the entertainment of their domineering human masters aren't especially bothered by win-loss ratios, regardless of what deluded journalists who are somehow employed despite openly demonstrating an utter failure to understand even the most basic principles of evolutionary biology want you to believe.

You'll get 'em next time, horse.

"Awful People Do Incredibly Unnecessary, Stupid Thing; Think You Should, Too"

Or, at the very least, that could absolutely be a reasonable substitute for the actual headline of this inane New York Times article chronicling the lives of a handful of individuals with so much free time on their hands that they've actually been able to both come up with the idea of not bathing and/or using deodorant and champion said idea as a cause.



You know how you take one look at these people and go "Oh, yeah, I absolutely don't need a specific reason to know in my heart that I'd really want to never hang out with them"? Well, they gave you one anyway.

This article, like many articles before it, has a lot of words in it, all of which can be summed up with these select few:

"Some have concluded that deodorant is unnecessary after forgetting it once with no social repercussions*, or are concerned about antiperspirants containing aluminum, even though both the National Cancer Institute and the Alzheimer’s Association don’t share those concerns. Shampooing as little as possible can help retain moisture in dry locks and enhance curl shape, argue adherents of the practice; for some men, it’s about looking fashionably unkempt."


*!!!!!**

**Remember when you slammed that door in that guy's face, and he was cool about it and didn't really make a scene because he was being nice to you and it was an accident and probably a one-off thing you weren't going to do ever again????

Yankees fans giving Yankees fans a bad name. Again.

Not all Yankees fans are the douches seen below, though it's certainly true that each of the douches seen below can be carefully analyzed as perfect case studies in douchebaggetry:


(the best one being the fat dude you looks like a nightmarish parody of the dad from "The Wonder Years" repeatedly saying "fuck you" to Nelson Cruz for daring to have had his play interfered with...)

But there are plenty of reasons that plenty of people think all Yankees fans are just like everybody in the animation above, and among those people is, quite reasonably, Cliff Lee's wife.

Generally speaking, most of society recognizes and adheres to the modern western social ethical standard of the not-spitting-on and not-throwing-beer-on of other human beings. Restrictive? Prudish? Puritanical? Sure, it's all those things. But we implicitly agree to behave this way as a culture in the name of common decency.

So you'd think it would be obvious, this non-spitting-and/or-beer-throwing-on behavior. But not only is it not obvious to a certain cross-section of Yankees fans, it's apparently even more non-obvious that it's a seriously bad idea to choose as your target the wife of the pitcher who absolutely stultified your team's offense and that of every other team who dared challenge him in the post season and, oh yeah, who your team really, really, really wants to sign as a free agent very shortly.

Cliff Lee's wife harassed in NY

Class.

Pandas aren't that cool*

Or, at the very least, Pandas aren't cool enough to justify the following sentence [a supposedly valid response to the question "Why do you love this bear so much (as to justify spending $5000 to visit it in China)?"] emanating from the mouth of a living, sentient human being:

"You know, when I saw him born (on the Panda-cam) he came out...and he hit a wall! And I thought, 'This panda is going to be somebody incredibly special!'** And he is. He just has this sparkle in his eyes that....mmmm...."

It gets worse, and it's important to remember that this segment, from CBS's "The Early Show", is NOT about mental illness, and that CBS actually treats these women as though they are reasonable, non-threats to society.

Think about that when you skip dinner again because you can't get a job in journalism despite your expensive degree from (name of expensive prestigious school here).

But, hey: Pandas!!! :0)





*Disclaimer: TDH believes Pandas are pretty cool, but that the sheer insanity of these women sort of distorts that fact.
**Because he hit a wall.***



***A wall.

McDonald's might not be that healthy

Contrary to reason, it turns out mass-produced "food" that comes prepackaged with a full day's supply of ingredients that start with words like "partially" and "processed" and "dehydrated" and the highly suspicious "100%!" and requires the qualifying adjective "Mc" in order to be considered within the realm of non-deceptive business practice ("We never said they were chicken nuggets! They're Chicken McNuggets! Please don't sue us") may not actually be entirely good for you, unless you consider something that bypasses the comfort zone of "non-perishable" and heads straight for "immutable" as a good sign.

In which case, you may want to either take a very basic science class or, at the very least, stop eating altogether.

Carl Paladino is a good (hu)man

New York Republican gubernatorial candidate and multi-millionaire member of the ruling class Carl Paladino is really mad at those elitist ruling-class types, and he would like to remind you that he's human, and humans, who are not perfect, tend to do imperfect human-like things, such as sending out incredibly racist and/or horse-porn emails to every other imperfect human said human knows and fathering other humans from more than one human while reminding other humans about the importance of family values.

But Carl Paladino also wants you to know that he's not a career politician, and as a not-career politician would never do something as politician-y as pandering to his audience by reading an incredibly homophobic and bigoted statement written for him by a Hasidic rabbi. As an imperfect human, however, he totally, absolutely would! That doesn't make him a hypocrite or a bigot, it just makes him human. Kinda like you!

It also kinda makes him par for the current course:

I like it in the mouth of a knife-wielding stranger in a dark back alley in the middle of the night.

An astute and loyal TDH reader recently sent us this:

So, here is something that I really hate. I received this email in my inbox yesterday:

"Remember the FB game last year about what color bra you were wearing at the moment? The purpose was to increase awareness of October as Breast Cancer Awareness month. It was a tremendous sucess and had men wondering for days what was with the colors and it made it to the news. This years' game has to do with your purse and where we put our handbag when we get home. For example, 'I like it on the couch', or 'I like it on the kitchen counter'. Just put your answer as your status (with nothing more), then cut and paste this message and forward it to all of your female FB friends. The bra game made it to the news; let's see how powerful we women REALLY are!"

Since when do where we put our purses (coupled with sexual innuendo) raise any sort or awareness for Breast Cancer? Who comes up with this crap?


That's a good observation. We never really thought about it before, but it's true: things that have nothing to do with other things probably don't increase the awareness of the original things. Mind-blowing.

Never ones to waste a good opportunity to take something idiotic and make it dumber, we decided we'd offer some other completely useless and nonsensical suggestions for how to raise awareness of other important and troubling conditions.


Pants for Alzheimer's: Wear pants for one full week. When a stranger addresses you and says "Hey, I notice you're wearing pants!", acknowledge his or her observation. Who knows? Maybe that very same person will go home and research the common and degenerative genetic disease, the cure for which continues to elude researchers.


Donate Your Facebook Status Update for poverty: Much of the world lives in poverty. Too many cannot afford food and shelter, and in many parts of the world access to clean water is scarce. Sadly, the rate of poverty appears to be expanding as the gap between the rich and the poor widens to unprecedented extents. This week, donate your status update to the poor. As large sums of money are needed to properly invest in combating the problem of poverty, try to assign your status update a monetary value, such as 5.6 billion dollars or 153 million dollars.


The Bike Rides for Illiteracy campaign: Even in this industrialized society, with widespread public access to education, the illiteracy rate remains alarmingly high. Why not take a nice bike ride? After all, you could, let's be honest, use the exercise.


Tell a friend about a good book for obesity: Obesity is one of America's most troubling, persistent, and growing epidemics. To help raise awareness of this depressing and endless cycle of obesity, tell a friend about a good book you've recently read (Disclaimer: Actual reading of book is not an essential prerequisite. You've probably heard enough about "Moby Dick" and Dostoevsky at this point to pretty much fake your way through it.)


Lie About Autism day: Autism is a complicated and very difficult to understand behavioral and cognitive disorder that can have crippling consequences for an individual struggling with it, and researchers still know precious little about how to detect, classify, and treat the condition. Why not just make up a bunch of shit about it then, like Jenny McCarthy does? Tell people autism is caused by vaccinations and that they ought to endanger their own children's lives and the lives of those around them by not getting their children vaccinated. Bring a bunch of charts to back up your false and demonstrably untrue claims and print out t-shirts with punchy slogans on them. Point out that 100% of autistic children breathe oxygen in order to sustain their vital organs. Is oxygen to blame? Too early to say. The science isn't in yet. But is that a risk worth taking?

"GLEE > The Beatles!", types man currently forcing blunt instrument through own skull

Well, the market has spoken, and like most of what comes out of the market's mouth when it speaks, it has dictated a garbled mess of shockingly inane, illogical, offensive bullshit.

And just in time for the 30th anniversary of the last time someone decided murdering John Lennon would be a pretty awesome thing to do.

Per the LA Times:

The 'Glee' cast surpasses Beatles on Billboard Hot 100 chart, inches closer to James Brown and Elvis Presley

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's an overly-stylized, existential, joyless Superman movie!

The good news: after years of legal limbo, a new "Superman" movie is finally underway.

The bad news: it'll probably have a lot of obvious and mundane philosophical symbolism and annoying slow-motion shots in it.

Christopher Nolan, who managed to suck all the fun and imagination out of Batman in favor of "respectability" (READ: making a middling Scorsese movie, but with costumes), and Zack Snyder (whose artistic philosophy appear to be "style over more style" and who made you pay $12 so he could read you an abridged version of "Watchmen" with a lot of weird slow motion shots) are teaming up with screenwriter David Goyer (who gave the world "Blade: Trinity") to bring the Man of Steel back to the big screen.

Expect a lot of blunt 9/11 references, a comically gruff "Superman voice", and, we're guessing, Superman's "powers" being nothing but a delusion; a result of Superman's insanity, itself a result of the loss of his father, itself a result of, y'know, society or whatever (flying is probably out of the question).

Yeah, this sounds great.

TDH's Religion Survey

This week, the Pew Research Center revealed the results of a nation-wide survey that gauged what Americans know about their own religions and religion in general. The full report is available here, and the findings are pretty interesting but can be summed up as "not very much". Also, the quiz, which you can take here, was way too easy.

So the expert research team at TDH decided to put together a much harder and far more interesting quiz. How well versed in religion are you? Find out below.


Please select the lettered option that best answers each question


1. Before God hand-picked him to reveal to the world the last testament of the Lord Jesus Christ, Latter-Day Saints founder Joseph Smith was arrested multiple times for being a:

A) Lady killer

B) Super honest person

C) Con Artist



2. “Before fulfilling my destiny as the divinely chosen leader and liberator of my people, I lived in relative isolation, raised by surrogate parents” best describes which of the following religious figures?

A) Jesus

B) Moses

C) Harry Potter

D) Aragorn

E) King Arthur

F) Luke Skywalker

G) Fox Mulder

H) Superman

I) Dexter

J) Justin Bieber




3. Your neighbors wish to build a mosque (or not a mosque but an interfaith community center with a prayer area for Muslims) in your neighborhood. Do you:

A) Invite them to do so, this being a free country that guarantees the freedom to worship and assemble, and, after all, if your religion were the minority, you wouldn’t want your freedom to worship as you chose infringed, would you?

B) A year after they announce their plans to do so, take your considerable influence as an executive at Newscorp and, with the aid of Sarah Palin and other supposed pro-Constitution types, launch a smear campaign against them, alleging, however deceitfully and in spite of all facts to the contrary, ties to terrorist organizations and Hamas, and scare the crap out of everybody else by implying that the mosque will be built right on top of the site of a mass grave and not, as it actually will be, where a mosque already has existed for a number of years?





4. Which of these gods is realest?

A) The god I worship

B) My neighbor's (that guy who is sort of brown and never has any Christmas decorations outside his house) interpretation of that same god

C) Morgan Freeman

D) Allah

E) Percy Jackson

F) Thor

G) The god the gaps

H) Raiden





5. Of the following religions, which have been practiced by a current or former president of the United States?

A) Christianity






6. You suffer from mild depression. How much money would like to donate* to the Church of Scientology so that they may cure you of the Thetans (or dead aliens) that occupy your person and are the cause of said depression?

A) $100

B) $10,000

C) Everything I have. Also, I’m gay and not really okay with that, so if you could cure me of that, too, then gangbusters






7. The Pope is:

A) An agent of the antichrist, as made clear by the “Left Behind” series of novels

B) Kind of a douche/former Nazi

C) German

D) Probably Emperor Palpatine

E) Infallible




8. A person who refuses to actually practice an established religion and instead extracts bit and pieces of various, usually Eastern religions in order to justify his or her recreational drug use and/or validate $200 yoga classes is known as:


A) “New Age”

B) “Spiritual”

C) “A total asshole”





9. Thomas Jefferson was:

A) A complicated public figure, a deist, a slave owner whose considerably progressive philosophy is difficult to reconcile with his unwillingness to abolition the slave trade, and not someone who can easily be shoehorned into any one person’s particular ideology or political agenda

B) A fundamentalist Christian

C) None of the above, and not really all that important a figure in American history, so who cares if he was a fundamentalist Christian or not, since George Washington totally was and we have some made-up documents and out-of-context quotes to prove it





10. Was George Washington really a fundamentalist Christian?

A) No





11. Which of these best sums up the thesis of the Book of Mormon?

A) Women are just the worst. Am I right?

B) Not much good to say about those black folks, either

C) No, but seriously, the women






12. When you watch Japanese animated movies that reference Japanese religious mythology, seriously, do you have any idea what the eff is going on?

A) No

B) Have you seen Cowboy Bebop though? You have to see that. You'd love that.






13) The Bible is the inerrant word of God despite the fact that:

A) The book of Genesis contains two contradictory accounts of creation on the same (first) page

B) Literally thousands of illiterate people have transcribed, edited, and altered, over many, many centuries, major portions of a text that does not and never has had an original, authoritative source by which to measure accuracies

C) It isn't. Also, it was never meant to be





14) Who among the following is not a major credited author of the Christian Bible?

A) John

B) Paul

C) Ringo

D) Scott Stapp





15) PERSONAL ESSAY (OPTIONAL): In 300 or fewer words, explain why your not-for-profit religion, its beliefs, and the events described in its scripture are any less irrational, arbitrary, or totally fantastical than those of Scientology, and why its leaders seem to be very affluent and are constantly asking for your money. (For example: Say your religion describes a plague of frogs or a boat with two of each of literally millions of species and sub-species of animal on it, and your preacher drives a Mercedes)



ANSWERS:
1) C
2) D
3) B
4) C
5) A
6) If you'd like to learn more about Scientology, please see our website or ask for a free stress test from one of our innocuous, friendly members
7) C
8) C
9) C
10) A
11) C
12) A
13) C
14) D
15) Something about some out-of-context quote that your scripture of choice does or doesn't say, which proves that everything you think is correct



HOW TO READ MY RESULTS:

• 15 Correct: Good job, I guess
• 0-14 Correct: You're going to hell

*Wink wink