31) Christian Mingle

Nothing says, "We are devout Christians who believe the one true God of Abraham is the omnipotent creator of the universe who guides human events and whose power knows no bounds!" than suggesting His one shortcoming is that He just doesn't have the time or energy to point out which one perfect person He specifically designed to be your life partner, and so He outsources to a website with a terribly hilarious name.*

Whoa, ease up on the mingling there, Christians! Leave some room to let the Lord in.

(*In fairness, He's probably pretty busy hand-picking which Republicans should mount hilariously inept presidential campaigns)

Whitney Houston,151,599 others die on tragic, absolutely usual Saturday

A recording artist who had a string of hits 25 years ago became one of 151,600 people who was claimed by disease, long-term drug abuse, automobile accidents, violence, starvation, and/or the mere passage of time on Saturday.

Among other victims were Earnest Ray Blackmon of Gulf Breeze, Florida; Andrew C. “Skeet” Gustafson of Clifton, Colorado; former skiing champion Jill Kinmont Boothe; at least 9 people in an avalanche in Kosovo; Roger S. Aaron (at left) of New York; and approximately 151,586 others.

They are survived by everybody except the approximately 151, 600 additional people who died in the meantime.

30) Origin Stories

We. Know. Who. F*%king. Spider-Man. Is.



(Yes, you know all about the radioactive spider bite, and how Uncle Ben dies, and how Peter's really into science, and how he has to, like, face his inner insecurities about, like, whatever...but do you know the untold story of Spider-Man? It has to do with his love of pitted olives and an unusually intense high-stakes game of Yahtzee.)

29) People who refer to anything other than porn as "porn"

Nice pictures of things you enjoy are not the same as porn.

For instance, this is a nice picture of food:



Looks pretty good, right? You'd probably look at that and be like, "Oh, what a nice picture of food. How delightful and unlike porn that is."

This is "food porn":

[Image removed by FCC, SOPA, PIPA, basic sense of decency]

You'd probably look at that and be like "HOLY [23 offensive terms removed by FCC, SOPA, PIPA], WHY, WHY, WHY???????!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
 

The Daily Hated SuperPac

More than a year ago, reading the writing on the wall of the then-impending "age of civility"*, TDH fired all its interns, set fire to its offices, collected the insurance money, and left with its editors' pride and sterling reputations intact.

Thanks to the Supreme Court, we are back! Well, not us, because that would be illegal, but rather pro-us anonymous corporate donors who will pay for posts on this blog that serve as posts from us but are, in fact, completely independent, issue-based posts that may happen to be, purely by coincidence, entirely indistinguishable from the sorts of posts that you would have expected to find here if we coordinated with Americans for a Hated Day in any way, which we don't, because it's illegal.

The whole thing can be explained by watching this simple, easy-to-follow educational video, which has in no way been pirated:





*Also, we were broke.

Jim Morrison will still be guilty of having been a dreadful human being

Noted insanely overrated songwriter and dreadful, terrible, abusive asshole Jim Morrison might be pardoned for an indecency-related conviction that pales in comparison to the shitty, awful douchebag he was the rest of the time.


Bleh

Some are encouraging outgoing Florida Governor Charlie Crist to make a pardon of Morrison's 1969 conviction in Miami one of his final acts as governor. Let's all hope he does, so that we can stop worrying about the fact that Morrison was convicted for a relatively petty and harmless offense and get back to pointing out what a miserable, self-absorbed womanizing alcoholic shitbag he was, and how the Doors weren't actually all that good.

Most interesting thing that could possibly happen on worst game show of all time happens

Can we cancel it now?

It's a f*%ing horse, people.

Briefly deprived of important things to worry about this past weekend, an entire civilized nation in the midst of a crushing economic quagmire and embroiled in bitter partisan divided got all upset that a horse named after a Police album didn't win a race that lasted, like, 15 seconds.


Above left or right: the stupid horse that had everybody all upset that it didn't achieve some kind of meaningless record only humans care about, since the horse itself probably couldn't even remember as far back as the previous morning.

Apparently, though, the horse took it in stride.

"If Zenyatta was disappointed, she sure didn't show it," reports the Associated Press.

Largely, this lack of disappointment-showing was probably due to the fact that horses neither understand the concept of nor possess the ability to express purely human emotions like "disappointment". Surprisingly, non-self-aware biological entities forced to compete in spectacles designed solely for the entertainment of their domineering human masters aren't especially bothered by win-loss ratios, regardless of what deluded journalists who are somehow employed despite openly demonstrating an utter failure to understand even the most basic principles of evolutionary biology want you to believe.

You'll get 'em next time, horse.

"Awful People Do Incredibly Unnecessary, Stupid Thing; Think You Should, Too"

Or, at the very least, that could absolutely be a reasonable substitute for the actual headline of this inane New York Times article chronicling the lives of a handful of individuals with so much free time on their hands that they've actually been able to both come up with the idea of not bathing and/or using deodorant and champion said idea as a cause.



You know how you take one look at these people and go "Oh, yeah, I absolutely don't need a specific reason to know in my heart that I'd really want to never hang out with them"? Well, they gave you one anyway.

This article, like many articles before it, has a lot of words in it, all of which can be summed up with these select few:

"Some have concluded that deodorant is unnecessary after forgetting it once with no social repercussions*, or are concerned about antiperspirants containing aluminum, even though both the National Cancer Institute and the Alzheimer’s Association don’t share those concerns. Shampooing as little as possible can help retain moisture in dry locks and enhance curl shape, argue adherents of the practice; for some men, it’s about looking fashionably unkempt."


*!!!!!**

**Remember when you slammed that door in that guy's face, and he was cool about it and didn't really make a scene because he was being nice to you and it was an accident and probably a one-off thing you weren't going to do ever again????

Yankees fans giving Yankees fans a bad name. Again.

Not all Yankees fans are the douches seen below, though it's certainly true that each of the douches seen below can be carefully analyzed as perfect case studies in douchebaggetry:


(the best one being the fat dude you looks like a nightmarish parody of the dad from "The Wonder Years" repeatedly saying "fuck you" to Nelson Cruz for daring to have had his play interfered with...)

But there are plenty of reasons that plenty of people think all Yankees fans are just like everybody in the animation above, and among those people is, quite reasonably, Cliff Lee's wife.

Generally speaking, most of society recognizes and adheres to the modern western social ethical standard of the not-spitting-on and not-throwing-beer-on of other human beings. Restrictive? Prudish? Puritanical? Sure, it's all those things. But we implicitly agree to behave this way as a culture in the name of common decency.

So you'd think it would be obvious, this non-spitting-and/or-beer-throwing-on behavior. But not only is it not obvious to a certain cross-section of Yankees fans, it's apparently even more non-obvious that it's a seriously bad idea to choose as your target the wife of the pitcher who absolutely stultified your team's offense and that of every other team who dared challenge him in the post season and, oh yeah, who your team really, really, really wants to sign as a free agent very shortly.

Cliff Lee's wife harassed in NY

Class.

Pandas aren't that cool*

Or, at the very least, Pandas aren't cool enough to justify the following sentence [a supposedly valid response to the question "Why do you love this bear so much (as to justify spending $5000 to visit it in China)?"] emanating from the mouth of a living, sentient human being:

"You know, when I saw him born (on the Panda-cam) he came out...and he hit a wall! And I thought, 'This panda is going to be somebody incredibly special!'** And he is. He just has this sparkle in his eyes that....mmmm...."

It gets worse, and it's important to remember that this segment, from CBS's "The Early Show", is NOT about mental illness, and that CBS actually treats these women as though they are reasonable, non-threats to society.

Think about that when you skip dinner again because you can't get a job in journalism despite your expensive degree from (name of expensive prestigious school here).

But, hey: Pandas!!! :0)





*Disclaimer: TDH believes Pandas are pretty cool, but that the sheer insanity of these women sort of distorts that fact.
**Because he hit a wall.***



***A wall.

McDonald's might not be that healthy

Contrary to reason, it turns out mass-produced "food" that comes prepackaged with a full day's supply of ingredients that start with words like "partially" and "processed" and "dehydrated" and the highly suspicious "100%!" and requires the qualifying adjective "Mc" in order to be considered within the realm of non-deceptive business practice ("We never said they were chicken nuggets! They're Chicken McNuggets! Please don't sue us") may not actually be entirely good for you, unless you consider something that bypasses the comfort zone of "non-perishable" and heads straight for "immutable" as a good sign.

In which case, you may want to either take a very basic science class or, at the very least, stop eating altogether.

Carl Paladino is a good (hu)man

New York Republican gubernatorial candidate and multi-millionaire member of the ruling class Carl Paladino is really mad at those elitist ruling-class types, and he would like to remind you that he's human, and humans, who are not perfect, tend to do imperfect human-like things, such as sending out incredibly racist and/or horse-porn emails to every other imperfect human said human knows and fathering other humans from more than one human while reminding other humans about the importance of family values.

But Carl Paladino also wants you to know that he's not a career politician, and as a not-career politician would never do something as politician-y as pandering to his audience by reading an incredibly homophobic and bigoted statement written for him by a Hasidic rabbi. As an imperfect human, however, he totally, absolutely would! That doesn't make him a hypocrite or a bigot, it just makes him human. Kinda like you!

It also kinda makes him par for the current course:

I like it in the mouth of a knife-wielding stranger in a dark back alley in the middle of the night.

An astute and loyal TDH reader recently sent us this:

So, here is something that I really hate. I received this email in my inbox yesterday:

"Remember the FB game last year about what color bra you were wearing at the moment? The purpose was to increase awareness of October as Breast Cancer Awareness month. It was a tremendous sucess and had men wondering for days what was with the colors and it made it to the news. This years' game has to do with your purse and where we put our handbag when we get home. For example, 'I like it on the couch', or 'I like it on the kitchen counter'. Just put your answer as your status (with nothing more), then cut and paste this message and forward it to all of your female FB friends. The bra game made it to the news; let's see how powerful we women REALLY are!"

Since when do where we put our purses (coupled with sexual innuendo) raise any sort or awareness for Breast Cancer? Who comes up with this crap?


That's a good observation. We never really thought about it before, but it's true: things that have nothing to do with other things probably don't increase the awareness of the original things. Mind-blowing.

Never ones to waste a good opportunity to take something idiotic and make it dumber, we decided we'd offer some other completely useless and nonsensical suggestions for how to raise awareness of other important and troubling conditions.


Pants for Alzheimer's: Wear pants for one full week. When a stranger addresses you and says "Hey, I notice you're wearing pants!", acknowledge his or her observation. Who knows? Maybe that very same person will go home and research the common and degenerative genetic disease, the cure for which continues to elude researchers.


Donate Your Facebook Status Update for poverty: Much of the world lives in poverty. Too many cannot afford food and shelter, and in many parts of the world access to clean water is scarce. Sadly, the rate of poverty appears to be expanding as the gap between the rich and the poor widens to unprecedented extents. This week, donate your status update to the poor. As large sums of money are needed to properly invest in combating the problem of poverty, try to assign your status update a monetary value, such as 5.6 billion dollars or 153 million dollars.


The Bike Rides for Illiteracy campaign: Even in this industrialized society, with widespread public access to education, the illiteracy rate remains alarmingly high. Why not take a nice bike ride? After all, you could, let's be honest, use the exercise.


Tell a friend about a good book for obesity: Obesity is one of America's most troubling, persistent, and growing epidemics. To help raise awareness of this depressing and endless cycle of obesity, tell a friend about a good book you've recently read (Disclaimer: Actual reading of book is not an essential prerequisite. You've probably heard enough about "Moby Dick" and Dostoevsky at this point to pretty much fake your way through it.)


Lie About Autism day: Autism is a complicated and very difficult to understand behavioral and cognitive disorder that can have crippling consequences for an individual struggling with it, and researchers still know precious little about how to detect, classify, and treat the condition. Why not just make up a bunch of shit about it then, like Jenny McCarthy does? Tell people autism is caused by vaccinations and that they ought to endanger their own children's lives and the lives of those around them by not getting their children vaccinated. Bring a bunch of charts to back up your false and demonstrably untrue claims and print out t-shirts with punchy slogans on them. Point out that 100% of autistic children breathe oxygen in order to sustain their vital organs. Is oxygen to blame? Too early to say. The science isn't in yet. But is that a risk worth taking?